Besides experiencing my first Foxfield (NO S!) weekend, I also had the un-exquisite pleasure of eating at Mono Loco. That is Spanish for…”The Crazy Monkey!”. We all crawled out of the house around noon to have what was described as “good food” for brunch. I was excited as our self proclaimed cville “Fun Director” is a foodie, and I usually take him quite seriously…until yesterday. This restaurant proclaims itself as cville’s “original nouveau-Latin restaurant.”

Let me educate all of you cvillains on Latin/Hispanic foods. Latin food does not mean Mexican. Latin food does not mean rice and beans. There are 22 “Latin” countries, all of which have very different cuisine. Mexicans like tortillas, Chileans do not, they like empanadas and a delicious corn concoction called “choclo.”

If you browse through all three menus of Mono Loco, you will see an abundance of tacos, burritos, rice, beans, fajitas, and tamales. Jeez that sounds like a Mexican restaurant!? So hear it from cville’s new self-proclaimed foodie: Mono Loco has nothing to do with “nouveau-Latin” cuisine. This is so far from “nouveau” you might as well be on 66 going back to DC.

We were not distracted properly

We were seated at a large table with ample bird watching opportunities. I know you UVa kids think you are very hot and oh so preppy, but not even the powers of a post Foxfield tan and an arsenal of J.Crew’s latest spring-wear can distract a table full of hungry men for the 60 minutes (or was it longer?) that it took for our food to arrive. Actually, I think it was longer. We practically memorized the drink menu by the time our drink-order was taken…let me see if I have this correct:

• 2 bloody marys
• 1 hibiscus ice tea
• 1 lemon water (no no, not a fancy H20 creation, just a slice of lemon in a glass of tap water)
• 1 orange juice

I thought monkeys were somewhat smart, but they took way too long to make drinks that rely on PRE-MADE mixes. It must have taken them time to pump the water from the well, gather the celery/tomatoes from the garden, grind the hibiscus flowers, and squeeze the oranges.

The man who “owns India” made brunch very complicated

Everyone but a man who supposedly “owns India” ordered breakfast burritos, he was difficult and ordered the challah french toast (bread dipped in egg, and then fried on the grill) with the yogurt cocktail as an appetizer. Now I know all of you have seen the insane speed that Chipotle operates at…so you know its not rocket science to prepare anything burrito related. After waiting for what seemed like another hour, I went into the restaurant to see wtf was taking them so long. What I saw shocked me: 2 “chefs” preparing all the meals for the restaurant. Also, I use the term “meals” lightly, as what we ate is probably served in prison. I can only assume the crazy monkey was in the back helping with the rest…

By the time our food arrived, our drinks were gone, and the Foxfield hangover was coming back! 4 breakfast burritos and 1 challah french toast arrived. There were two problems here. 1)one of the burritos was delivered without eggs, and 2)there was no yogurt cocktail in sight. Last time I checked, appetizers came before the entree, some restaurants can even bring it to you with your drinks (yes its true!).

French Toast: SUCCESS!

Source: Daily Mail UK

Lets start with the good. The challah french toast was one of the best I have had at any brunch. They did not soak the bread for too long in the egg batter (soggy toast), and it was cooked to perfection. The apricot maple syrup actually hardened like a candy shell on the outside which made for a delicious contrast from the moist toast. I must say, however, that the portion was too big. Imagine 3-16 oz steaks on one plate– I know we don’t care about carbs anymore, but its 2007, people actually pay MORE for LESS food!

Cville is better than NYC (just for one thing)

This dish alone gives Mono Loco bragging rights as my recent french toast experience in NYC’s upper west side “Good Enough To Eat” was awful. Their fresh baked-pumpkin bread french toast was so bad I had to send it back. While I am bashing on NYC’s terrible brunch scene, let me throw in Sarabeth’s, another upper west side brunch haunt. Anyone who orders an omelet from there and thinks it is good has obviously never been to Paris, or has not had the pleasure of eating the ones I make. Omelets should be made in a non-stick pan with good butter, like Plugra, and any vegetable put inside should be sauteed. In case none of you have used Plugra before, its low water-content allows you to cook the butter at a higher temperature without burning. Look for it in the dairy case at your closest Trader Joes. If you have access to the commercial grade restaurants use, steal some, its the purest butter you will use to cook with.

Cville-1, NYC-0.

Burritos: Tell the monkey he has to intern at Chipotle

And the bad…The breakfast burritos were terrible. I think burritos in the US and Mexico are made to be eaten with the hands. This means that they should be packed tightly (Chipotle), and DEFINITELY not have any type of sauce on the outside of the tortilla. I could use the excuse that I am a Prince and do not like to get my hands dirty, but if it is on your hands, how the f is it on the burrito? The filling was not good either. The eggs must have been pre-made and stored in a warming tray for hours as they were desert quality (FYI 2 s’s means its sweet). The rest was just plain awful.

Conclusion

Did I really expect that a crazy monkey would impress me? Not really, but then again I have been told 100000000000000000000 times that Cville is the #1 small city to live in the country, and thus ANYTHING you do/eat/see/smell there is the best. Cvillains, you can’t use that excuse forever!

My name is cocoNUT and I will educate you all.

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