Dog-owners and superhero aspirants alike may be aware of a life-changing product called Poop-Freeze. How does it work? Allow me to explain in as much detail as possible!

Just kidding. Use your imagination.

I love it. Buying “magnifying glasses” and “laser beams” and “disappearing markers” has resulted in sore eyes, the confiscation of my keychain pointer, and nonexistent masterpieces such that I’ll never be appreciated in my own time. But now, in Poop-Freeze, I can do the impossible: spray-freeze stuff. I haven’t actually bought it yet, but I plan to.

I have three small problems, though. The first is that I don’t think I can use this on food or, umm, people. Apparently, it’s safe for carpet and vegetation, and the website doesn’t say not to specifically, but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable spraying a can of soda or beer with it for quicker consumption. And I can imagine it now. “Lilith, what are you doing?” “Why, I’m cooling off with Poop-Freeze!”

Second, most superheros that freeze stuff are bad. Iceman of the X-Men is cool (literally), but there’s Mr. Freeze and Killer Frost (who appeared twice as two different supervillains).

And I haven’t forgotten the baddest of them all: Iceman.

Finally, I worry that my superhero status still won’t help me as a social climber in Charlottesville.

Just kidding. So gullible on a Friday! Of course it would help me.

Seriously, I think it’s worth pointing out that Poop-Freeze, as a superhero tool, has the worst name ever. I can’t carry that $#!% around! Why couldn’t they call it Whoa!-Snow or Fro-Mojo or even Spray-On Ice?

All this having been said, I encourage dog owners everywhere to invest in a spray-on can and save the world, one poopy-pick-up at a time.

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