Given that “Thursday is the new Friday,” according to an ill-reasoned social parable coined in a moment of whiskey-sodden pseudo profundity, possibly by myself… I thought I’d give you guys something to get queasy about this Friday morning! Now, it’s no prosthetic buttskin attachment, but it’s a healthy, happy mix of the funny and the cringe-inducing. Who knows, it may even make you forget about your hangover for a few minutes.
Before I ever lived here, I came to visit with a girlfriend, and stopped in at the Subway at JPA/Fontaine for a healthy, delicious and not at all revolting sandwich experience. I was going to have a Spicy Italian (as was the style at the time), and then I was going to wash it down with some good old fashioned college binge drinking. But things went terribly awry that afternoon; the sandwich muse had other plans for me. As I stood dutifully in line with 4-5 other customers we watched and listened, in abject terror, as the woman in front ran through the gamut of her toppings. It started out pretty normal; meat, cheese, tomatoes, and so on… and then it happened. The Mayonnaise.
It was a low, guttural voice she used, almost a whisper. Like a sexy bedroom affectation that she reserved only for mayo. It was pure seduction, interrupted only by the fact that she was a 300 pound elderly woman in sweat pants. And her lover was mayonnaise.
“I want… MAYOHNNAAAAAYYSE.”
Oh no. She’s serious.
“Three regular lengthwise stripes of mayonnaise, ma’am?”
“Uh-Uh.” She bobbled her enormous cranium back and forth. Her jowels… bounced. “Gimme some more. More MAAAAAAYOHHNAYYSE.”
And then, there was more mayonnaise. The patrons and I shared a glance. It must be how people feel during a bank robbery: horrified, panicked, and completely frozen in their tracks. Unable to breathe.
When we looked back, there lay a swath of mayonnaise so thick it eclipsed all other components of the sandwich. It had become a mayonnaise sandwich with a ham garnish. In his eyes you could see the employee, bound by a social contract to sell food, was torn apart inside. I could hear him thinking, “Is this murder?” But all he could manage was,
“Is… is this enough?”
She took a long, raspy, bubbly, fat breath.
“Ohhh, yeah. Now — DO THE OTHER SIDE.”
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I was just about to eat lunch, but after reading that I’m going to have to wait at least 30 minutes.
holy crap that’s funny. I hope you didn’t let her love afair for mayo ruin your relationship.
Mayonnaise there’s a lot of morbidly obese folks around.
I think I know where she works…
is parlie the new lilith? dear gawd.
that’s so gross i can’t help but love her
OMG, Silmo. Several of them, at least.
Mayophillia is not a crime.
I think I know where she works…
The Mayo Clinic?
@5: no. i am just regular parlie.
now go make me a sandwich.
i got a sandwich for ya. a knuckle sandwich.
mooseknuckle.
no punani panini for you
Harhar, reminded me of this other mockery of the obese, Floozy’s Golden Corral story: http://cvillain.com/2008/01/16/it%e2%80%99s-kind-of-a-catch-22-how-do-you-protect-people-from-themselves/
(Hope this link works, it has a lot of encoding for one measly apostrophe. Guess that’s what it takes to encode a slim ‘ in this fat fat world.)
Miss Shen, I guess I’ll guess with one you were referring to:
“# Punani, Sri Lanka, a small hamlet in Sri Lanka made famous in 1920 by a man-eating leopard.
# Kama Sutra by way of Jamaica, etc.
This disambiguation page…”
Not as fat as the beats’ fitna be tonight! I’ll be playing discs made of frozen mayo, biznatches. Fat stupid beats for your humpy thumpy pleasure and…
..oh yes. Its probably still spring break still or something… and raining. Dang.
Le sigh.
/hello empty my old friend, I’ve come to play for you again….
what about my icky thumpy pleasure?
la lalala lalala laaaalalaaaa
I play icky thump on a regular basis, just not the version you may be used to. disco is diverse.
Mayonnaise is the single most disgusting thing ever created.
I complete agree with you Tim.
that’s why i’m glad there are mayonnaise monsters to eat it all up for us. i swear to god this lady ate like half a fucking tube of mayonnaise. yes, tube.