Middle-aged White Women
You are the most numerous in the off-Grounds singles scene. But the white men your age are so happy to be finally divorced from you that they are dating anyone but you. If you want dating success be open to cougar-ing it up and boldly going for younger guys. You will be surprised at how open they are to a post-menopausal, baby-worry-free shag. Also, be open to dating black men. If you’re in any way plump, local middle-aged black men will love you. Get thee to church. Get thee to a drum circle.
Skinny Young Women
off-Grounds: Everybody wants you. To fuck you, that is. This could go bad if you fall in the well. Especially if you’re a waitress/barista. Men love to talk about how they fucked you, even if they didn’t fuck you. Single men will offer you rings. Married men will offer you gifts. All men will get mad when you reject them. They think they have a right to you because you made their dick hard. Right now the river flows right to your door, making you just a little too free. But in 10 years you’ll wake up and find the river doesn’t seem to stop there anymore. Will your identity be centered around your attraction to men?
on-Grounds: There are 20 other women who look exactly like you. You will find that being pretty is just not unique. You will also find that of the 20 other women who look just like you, 11 of them are sexually freer than you. Be prepared to cry over a boy once a semester. Wait until you get a job to get married. Break up with your high school boyfriend as soon as your parents drop you off at Tuttle. Don’t fuck him when you go home for break.
Plump Young Women
on-Grounds: same as skinny girls
off-Grounds: If you don’t have a child already, you will be surrounded by men who want to give you one. Being a thick young woman seems to trip a wire in men’s animal brain that makes them want to impregnate you. Go to Sam’s club and unabashedly bring the 50-pack of Durexes to the front counter. When your dad asks you what you need the Sam’s Club card for, tell him “diapers.” When he returns to consciousness, tell him “just kidding!” and he’ll be so happy he’ll give you $50 for the condoms. See you at Rivals.
Young Men
On-Grounds: Expand your definition of “pretty”. I guarantee you that for every unrequited crush you’ve had on the supermodel blonde swimmer that everyone wants to fuck, there’s a girl below your radar who’s crushing on you and you don’t even realize it. Learn to like girls who like you.
Off-Grounds: Wear condoms, goddammit. See you at Rivals.
Middle-aged Black WomenKick them grown-ass kids out the house and you won’t have to go to Jamaica to get your groove back.
Middle-aged Black Men
It wouldn’t hurt you to do a crunch or two. Diabetes just ain’t sexy, and you know what I mean when I say that.
Middle-aged White Men
Shave. Lose the bitterness.
All Women
Learn spanish so you can know what those hombres in Rivals and on construction sites are saying to you.
Bonus Imigrante Latino Super Gigantic Edition!
Latino men: It’s amazing how well you can communicate your lust though you are new to English. You’ve got the ire of black men up because you’re competing for the plump white woman. Black men think they have the advantage because they speak english, but you have the advantage of being mysterious. Don’t feel bad because you’re short, it makes you seem less threatening, which can be your “in” with many women. Stop being grabby when you’re drunk. Stop being domineering once you’ve roped a local girl into a relationship.
Latino women: How is it that every single one of you is married? And if you’re married, why do you openly flirt? We know how latino men are when it comes to their women. They don’t even like you talking to the male customers at Wendy’s.
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Popularity: 44% [?]
Tagged as: Carly Simon, Gripes, Immigration, race, Raves, Singles Scene
Most excellent post La Grape!
Shave? People tell me I look funny when I shave. I have been told to never do it again by numerous people, male and female. I just have a little goatee and mustache. I couldn’t grow a beard if I tried. Must be the Native American blood coursing through my veins.
I was about to jump on you for your chess board racial view of the world, but then I saw the latino bonus round dangling at the bottom like a red-headed after thought. Keep hope alive! Have you ever heard of asia, either south or east? Sincerely curious as I don’t think you have ever posted anything that didn’t mention race, but its always black and white, never anyone else. Won’t someone think of the Somoans?
/blacks and whites don’t realize they’re really pink and brown.
well… what about the life eating gays?
I heart latinos!
white guys suck.
it is impossible to date here.
/ain’t nobody color me white
Lose the bitterness.
Um… no. It took me years to craft this cloak of bitterness with which to wrap my fear of intimacy. I ain’t gonna just toss it in the Salvation Army heap just like that.
Really? I think this is terrible. There’s gotta be a better way to discuss the C’ville dating scene than this. I must say, i’m a little disappointed this made it to a feature section.
Agreed. Not really that funny and kind of misses the mark. I like the idea of comparing the on/off grounds dating scenes in the various categories fat/skinny etc. and think this could be a good topic but we need to re-work it before featuring
$0.02
I agree with B’yo. [DELETED BY ADMIN DUE TO PERSONAL ATTACK]
I’m choosing to read this as an over-the-top joke; more humor than truth. Because, otherwise, it isn’t helping my outlook on the world, this rainy Monday.
/how young does he have to be for me to be a cougar?
look at me in the Sugardaddie.com add. Im not bitter, Im keeping a look out for all that is dangerous. She sure as hell aint payin attention. Dont confuse being prepared with bitter.
Wow, La Grape. You have hit on so many points. It’s really beneficial for us guys because all the cVillain MILFs will now be on the lookout for younger dudes. I love MILFs.
This is almost funny enough to qualify LaGrape to write for 2 1/2 Men.
What the fuck is wrong with 6, 7, 8? This post is hilarious. The sense of humor cancer is back. But then again, I’m a skinny off-grounds young woman so the world is my oyster.
Damn you people a harsh. It’s not easy finding the time and creativity to create a post, or the guts to put it out there for all to see. How about a little more tact and civility. We should be encouraging people to post not punishing them with personal attacks or snide comments. Its fine to be snarky or to be critical in a constructive way (nicely done Yo), but a blanket “this is stupid” condemnation of a post or its author disuades others from posting and is as such detrimantal to the site. If someone posts something hateful, then by all means pile on, but if you read something that you just don’t care for or think is stupid, ignore it and move on.
@ 14 Damn that was a stupid post Silmo.
/i keed…
@15 Suck it!
Wasn’t Silmo wearing your cloak of bitterenss at the bondage party, B-yo?
@4 Edurado it would be good for you to write about the gay dating scene on here. It be interesting to see how the grass is on the other side of the fence.
I for one only date hairless midgets of mixed Zulu-Armenian descent and I find LaGrape’s comments highly distasteful.
/have been known to lust for Chilean-Vietnemese quadrapelegics with dreadlocks, but that was just a phase
Life eating gay lawn dating thread! Your public demands it, ‘duardo.
/best wait til your wacked out of your skull for maximum topic distortion.
@18 - Chilean-Vietnemese quadrapelegics are so hot!
I prefer Quasi-Swahilian bushwhacking wombat hunters, but only during the first full moon after the great Ugali festival.
/they so feisty.
y’all so funny - loves it
If you guys dont stop, you are going to break Rule 34.
Rule 34? It must have slipped my mind, well, what’s left of it. Refresh please?
what’s rule 34? uh oh, i missed a class
Silly villains, rule thirty four of the internets: If it exists, there is porn of it.
No exceptions.
Go ahead. Rape your past, present and future. Type Rule 34 into google images with the filter turned off.
That was better than a frontal lobotomy. More fun than waking up in a Roman vomitorium.
So when you conjure things like date hairless midgets of mixed Zulu-Armenian descent to the internets, be aware of what your doing. I give zuluhailessmidgies (dot) com about two weeks before it launches…
So thanks for that Lys.
See, you think I am kidding. Observe the phenomenon: This comic runs and within two weeks, this website appears.
Wow, B’yo. I guess you learn something new everyday about this strange cyber world.
/never typing anything about hairless midgets of any descent into a search engine EVER.
@29. I’m glad you have time to create good comments with material to go with. The material… *AMAZING*
@22. “Quasi-Swahilian bushwhacking wombat hunters.” I know where to find you some of those, who will feed you well with the Ugali for starters, because you will need the energy. “Hakuna Matata”
@18 what gay dating scene? hmmm that does give me an idea.
I have always thought this is a great place to be a guy. If you not to shy or adverse to taking a chance there are many woman.
@28- I’d rather have half a bottle in fronta me than a full frontal lobotomy!
I agree with Mr. Roboto. cville has great potential for open minded guys… vis. ready to have a good time with the women. I’m very shy in person, but have balls on cVillain. Thank you for giving me *The Power* guys & gals.
The Gay Addenda:
Lesbians:
From central Virginia: The 80’s ended 18 years ago. There is more variety to our looks than Billie Jean and Martina.
From out of town: Stop being so fucking snobby toward country dykes. They like muddin’. You like MUD’s. They like Tweety shirts. You like pashminas. They like bullets and mullets. You like bondage and masochism. But we all come together at the vajayjay whether its owner be named Shifflett or Chang.
UVA Lugs: Do NOT drop out of school after you get your first girlfriend! I know it feels soooo goooood, but if she loves you in even the smallest way she would do anything to make sure your college education isn’t destroyed by your Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls on the Lawn.
All local lesbians: Stop stalking Becky Reid. Yes we know she’s a goddess but come on…space, please. Also, stop calling Charlotte and Claire at 3 in the morning with your issues.
The Gays:
The Young Ones: You are drunk with power. You can’t hear me cuz right now you’re in the gym blasting “Music is My Hot Hot Sex” in your iPod. What can I say? You won’t listen anyway. Bop til you Drop.
The Defiant Ones: No amount of Lacrosse trophies and pretty white girls will make you straight. Don’t forget to clear your private data or the brothers in the house will surely bust you when they inevitably borrow your Mac without asking.
Queer as Fuck: Stop being so goddammed annoyed with everything. Get. Off. The. Junk.
Papa Bears: You are kings. You’ve seen it all and you’re so chill you’re like a jedi master. Don’t change a thing cuz you’re thoroughly beautiful. See you at the ASG fundraiser.
b-yo: although there are enough asians in Cville to actually have a valid “X” section in our phonebook, I regrettably did not include their reality. Here:
First Gen Asians: You came here to study, not worry about love. Get back to work. Your family is depending on you!
Second Gen Asians: You know your parents will be very disappointed if you bring home anyone who’s not Asian. Stop pouting and join the ASU now.
Third Gen and Beyond: You know your grandparents will be very disappointed if you bring home anyone who’s not Asian. So date anyone you want down here, hide it from your parents, and tell them you’re interested in a nice Asian with a good family in Fairfax who travels all the time and that’s why they can’t meet them yet. Or that you’re celibate so that you can study harder. Or better yet…that you plan to go back to Great-grandma’s country and find a spouse there after graduating. With honors.
Local Asians born in Cville who never left:
Grow your hair long and watch the hippies line up to date you. If you teach yoga or some crunchy shit like that, be prepared to swim in pussy and dick.
Street: you look funny when you shave cuz you use your feet. Stop that, baby!
bitter yo: You’re bitter cuz you think you’re indestructible and that you never deserve to feel pain. You’re not and you do. You’re not above it all. You’re not a spoiled king. You are a human. Repeat after me: “New lover, you are going to hurt me. And I will survive just like I did last time. Goddess grant me the power to open myself to the pain so I can feel the pleasure that will come before it.” Now…meet me at the next C.U.F.F. meeting. =)
gobbler: there are truths in what I wrote. aren’t you married? wait’ll you get divorced. fun times….
Gobber and Cville Match: yes, this is a good topic that could be discussed better. So discuss it better. Don’t just complain that it can be discussed better and leave me hangin’! =) =)
thatgrrl: a woman can join the Cougar Club once she is 10 years older than the legal drinking age in her state or at any time she is 7 years older than the average age of the guys she hits on. That shouldn’t ruin your mondays since you have a Thatboy. It’s not depressing news, it’s good! I’m keeping it real for you so you can succeed, not to depress you.
Yes, men can get tired quickly of dating a middle-aged woman with surly, spoiled grown children hanging around the house. Kick those bastards out (but don’t let them move in with their girlfriend/boyfriend).
Yes, black men loooooooove to have sex with thick white women. It’s like ambrosia to them. They love thick black women, too, but if offered, they would never pass up a chance to plop themselves at least one time into a big-assed or big-tittied white woman. And that’s real. Look who’s fuckin’ writin’ this.
Yes, divorced middle-aged white men are often either bitter or socially inept. They either hate the idea of being hurt again and walk into new relationships with a chip. Or they’re so clueless without a wife they can barely dress themselves.
And yes, women like Shen are hard to find boyfriendless cuz they get hit on so very much because their asses are so very sculpted and their farts smell like strawberries. So, all my young dudes, carry this news: don’t “go for the blonde.” Cuz there are 4 of you and 1 of her.
Go for the nerdy, tattooed mulatto girl with the pumps and a bump…cuz she can take all of you all night long.
Chinese finger cuffs with the double pump, son.
@ 38 Oooof, swing and a miss, my lovely bunched fruit. Got the cart before the horse, Im afraid. I understand there is emotional risk in relationships (Im grown up like that), and I’ve already been to the bottom, believe me. Somehow being at peace talking about it means that I have at least healed somewhat. So whereas it is not my favorite experience, I certainly am not paralyzed by fear of it. Quite the opposite. I fell into a pattern of *destroying* other people’s feelings. Seriously, there was a really bad run there for years where things got quite psychotic. Every single person said they could hang with my lunacy, no one could for very long. Now I take full responsibility for my decisions then, by paying a very high prices, and now, by merely realizing that I have to get my own shit together before I stroll down that road even one more step. It sucks, but its better than the current alternative. I feel entitled to my bitterness, but its not out of a fear of being hurt, far from, its a fear of hurting. My karma is already bad enough thanks. But perhaps this is TMI.
And by the way, I joined CUFF many years ago and was rather unimpressed. Some of their “craft” classes were cool, but it was more PTA style bureaucracy than I could deal with. I mean really, 2 hours discussing the ramifications of having “an official association with ROPE” (the richmond club)? I was outty and never looked back.
@39: LMAO. My farts smell like…farts.
@39 Have you been peeking? Stop that, baby!
there’s no such thing as TMI, byo. keep revealing.
b-yo, please write a post on your CUFF experiences. I’ve always wondered about that club
If I did, it would sound so… so.. negative. Then again, that was 8 years ago and a very dark time in my life, so perhaps I was projecting my negativity. Perhaps I will go again and see if things have improved. Only trouble is, they have some pretty serious secrecy rules, which I would have to respect. Still, I bet I could clear up some of the things that folks were curious about, without violating anyone’s trust. We’ll see.
but they seem so open. anyone can go to their munches and meetings. I would think by now some horny C-ville reporter would’ve gotten her curiosity slaked. B-yo, I say don’t go again. Just write a post about your experiences back then. Then someone else can go in May then write about the current CUFF group.
It can’t be that secret if all your meetings are on your website’s front page:
http://www.cuff-va.com/welcome.asp
Sunday, May 4, 2008, 6 p.m., Rapture
1st Sunday Munch: Join fellow kinksters for food and conversation.
Sunday, May 11, 2008, 6 p.m., Club 216
Monthly Meeting: This month’s business segment is followed by our traditional Mother’s Day game night. Find out what happens when kink and socializing come together (hint: it’s spelled F-U-N).
Saturday, May 17, 2008, 10 p.m., Club 216
Uniform/Fetish Night: This is a Club 216 event; Club 216 membership rules and entrance fees apply.
Yeah, but click on the bylaws tab and you will see that a predominant fetish of this club is bureaucracy. I mean, I know they have to cover their ass and all, seeing as this neck of the woods is up to its armpits in legislated morality, but for me personally, well, it was a bit too much. But like I said, those were yo’s lowest months alive, and i was pretty dissatisfied with everyone and everything. And the secrecy rules apply to “who is there/who is a member” type stuff, not that the club exists. A lot of people don’t want/cant let the general public know that they are into inflatable latex pteradactyl suits or whatever.
[…] For further information, read La Grape’s Realities of Dating in Charlottesville. […]