So, *I’ve* Decided to Join the Internet…

Mallstars CharlottesvilleHello – my name is Tarot Card Guy. I’m new to the internet. Parlie inspired me to join this stupid thing a few hours ago. I enjoy his brand of cigarettes, and edgy humor.

I decided to join because I have a similar ultra-exclusive group of friends that sit around and bullshit all day instead of working, and I think we would all get along. We gave each other fake names too so that we could stay somewhat anonymous.

We call ourselves the C-Ville Mallstars…

I’m going to introduce you to my “Top 8” (I learned that on MySpace), and let you know who might become BFF’s with who from our two little groups here. Maybe then we can have a space party or something.

1.) I am “Tarot Card Guy.” I would probably get along with Thor the best. We both run shit and have been around forever.

2.) Then there is my number two man, his name? “Bucket Man.” He would probably like Belmont Yo, because they both share a similar musical interest.

3.) Speaking of music, I have a friend named “Two Chord Timmy.” I think he would like Street because they are both really skilled guitar players.

4.) Another music friend. (Maybe this should go on CvilleMuse?) His name is “The Loudest Flautist.” He would definitely get along with Shenanigans the best because he is always there and you never want to listen to him (sorry Loudest).

5.) Then there is my friend “The German Jesus from NASA.” He has a sweet haircut and always reads the paper and obscure novels – he’s very knowledgeable. He and Stanley would get along like Peas and Carrots.

6.) I have some friends that come by around this time of year – they call themselves the “Dirty Train People.” I think Parlie would like them because they always seem to be cracking jokes and getting yelled at by other people.

7.) Then there’s always “Random Guy With A Cause.” Nobody really knows his real name, but he is always touting some ridiculous propaganda up and down the Mall. He and Floozy should run for office.

8.) Finally, there is “French Island Tunes Guy.” He is extremely loving and passionate. He played his French tunes on The Mall since last Spring but disappeared a few months ago. He and Lilith should be lovers. Or maybe he is Lilith?

You may have also run into some of my friends from time to time here on The Mall. Do you know anyone else who might get along with one of y’all?

Popularity: 44% [?]

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122 Responses to “So, *I’ve* Decided to Join the Internet…”

  1. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:22 amshenanigans said:

    Yeah, thanks but I prefer Big Pianists.

  2. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:29 amStreet said:

    I can’t decide whether to laugh, scream, or hunt the poster of this topic down and punch him in the face. That said, I’m definitely showing this page to a few of aforementioned people, and encourage them to speak their minds.

  3. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:30 amThor said:

    Good golly

  4. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:30 amparlie said:

    DING-DONG!

  5. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:36 ambelmont yo said:

    Let’s see… meaningless looped melodies over staccato rhythms? I can work with that. I can has bukket?

    But I would definitely hook Floozy up with crazy tambourine lady rather than Uriah, because the flooze doesn’t rant for a cause, she rants just because. nahmean?

  6. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:36 amcaroline said:

    in Soviet Russia Lilith would’ve never let this happen.

  7. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:37 amCortez said:

    You forgot to mention the Tiger Woods of Violin

  8. 27 Jun 2008 at 11:42 amTarot Card Guy said:

    I don’t think I know Tiger?

  9. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:00 pmanonymous coffee drinker said:

    Is “Random Guy With a Cause” the guy who walks up and down the Downtown Mall with a sandwich board, playing Taps really loudly on a harmonica? Or is that someone else?

  10. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:03 pmanonymous coffee drinker said:

    “French Island Tunes Guy” was playing yesterday afternoon in front of the Jefferson, btw.

    Oh, how about “Two Song Banjo Player,” who plays two songs over and over by the BoA steps right by Rapture? (sigh…) Eating there outside can get tedious when he picks out “Dixie,” “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and half of “Old MacDonald.” Over and over again.

  11. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:04 pmanonymous coffee drinker said:

    ….actually, given what I just said, it should be “Two-and-a-Half Song Banjo Player.”

  12. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:04 pmshenanigans said:

    That’s three songs.

  13. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:05 pmanonymous coffee drinker said:

    Oh, and another guy I haven’t seen in a while - “1920’s Lawyer.” Used to hang out at a table outside Mudhouse, feet kicked up on a table or chair, smoking a cigarette and reading a paper. Looks (obviously) like a lawyer from the 1920’s, hat, tie, coat, and briefcase. Awesome.

  14. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:06 pmanonymous coffee drinker said:

    @12 - KEEP UP, SUCKA. ;)

  15. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:06 pmc-lyn said:

    & what about “wheel chair guy” the war vet with rearrangeable legs? some days he has two, some a left, occasionally a right leg. He would get along with most of us…all he wants is a little cash for a drink…

  16. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:07 pmc-lyn said:

    1920’s guy (if i’m thinking of the same guy) is now stationed in front of greenberrys at barracks road

  17. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:10 pmStanley said:

    1920’s guy

    I think I know exactly who you’re talking about. I always figured he had been laid off from The Brian Setzer Orchestra once people realized they were playing really shitty jazz knock-off nonsense.

  18. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:12 pmanonymous coffee drinker said:

    …Then there’s “Sir…Sir…Sir,” the homeless guy with the prominently displayed fake leg. One time when I was a UVA student, I picked him up at the Corner and drove him to the Downtown Mall. When he got out, he asked me for some money, too, and I didn’t have anything to give me, so he cursed me out, slammed the door, and walked away. :P

  19. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:13 pmshenanigans said:

    What about that dude in black with a black cap who is always carrying a black messenger bag? Somebody told me he has a camera in it and is filming chicks.
    This is cool, sorta like a downtown character directory.
    @14: I’m trying!

  20. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:17 pmanonymous coffee drinker said:

    On a side note, I’ve always been a fan of Bucket Man. I like him. :)

  21. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:21 pmStreet said:

    @19 - I’ve always wondered about that guy. Oh god, I’ve joined the ranks. Shoot me.

  22. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:24 pmcolfer said:

    Tarot Card guy is Ed, and he’s a lot more interesting to talk to (or listen to usually) than this vanilla garbage post. But that’s not a very high bar. Get some personality, writer.

    Also, Feral “20’s guy” has a whole friggin web site and publishing business hobby of notable books from and about Cville, though some are of questionable merit. http://cvillemuse.com/2008/05/13/hypocrite-press-charlottesvilles-stories-in-black-and-white/

  23. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:27 pmcaroline said:

    what about the girl who always stumbles home late night from Oxo…
    /oh, wait.

  24. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:30 pmshenanigans said:

    @22: The real Tarot Card dude seems nice. I’ma go get my cards read one of these days.
    @23: Shhhh…

  25. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:39 pmc-lyn said:

    geez…i miss listening to phil ginini play his banjo or guitar on the mall…

  26. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:43 pmasdf said:

    um……not funny.

  27. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:44 pmLys said:

    @25 - he played my rehearsal dinner. Granted, he locked himself in the one bathroom the facility had for about a half hour and came out looking pretty stoned, but he did a great job after that little incident.

    /didn’t realize my husband’s idea of booking a band involved asking street performers about their availability

  28. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:45 pmparlie said:

    i agree @24, i’ve often thought of him as the leader of all the mall characters. he seems very dignified, a pillar of… something. i’m actually being serious you guys, don’t tase me.

  29. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:47 pmc-lyn said:

    we all have {or had} our issues…

  30. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:49 pmc-lyn said:

    /was directed @26, not parlie

    //don’t worry i don’t have a taser

  31. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:52 pmTarot Card Guy said:

    I always thought 1920’s guy should have a piece of straw in his mouth at all times. That would be a nice touch.

    Another good musician is “Mud Slide Slim” - he often plays down near Five Guys and does alot of James Taylor songs. Anybody?

  32. 27 Jun 2008 at 12:56 pmshenanigans said:

    Yeah, I definitely remember the banjo guy whenever I walk by the Paramount. When I used to work at Petit Pois, he would say “Hey pretty lady” as I passed by and make me blush. I always wondered who he was in his pinstripe suit. Then he was gone. Later someone told me he died.

  33. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:10 pmoy said:

    I’ve always wondered who banjo guy pisses off more - the black folk cuz he plays dixie, or the rednecks cuz he plays it so badly…

    Ed is a very cool guy - a little birdie told me that an interview with him might appear on this site.

    /the “Dirty Train People” don’t belong in the above list - street entertainers are not bums. The DTP are wastes of skin…

  34. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:18 pmparlie said:

    @33 for awhile when i first moved here, i thought the train people were appalachian trail through hikers. never mind that the trail is 30 miles from here, and that the only hiking they did was from miller’s to hobo park and back.

    sometimes i wonder about me.

  35. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:18 pmTarot Card Guy said:

    Yes - in all seriousness, The Mall would not be the same without the Mallstars. i’m sure they are all great people. i think a lot of people would like to know more about them, and that would be great to get an interview with Ed on here. He seems to be like the Yoda of the downtown mall.

    from a “people watching” perspective, they are all great characters and i’m sure everyone has their own nicknames in their head

  36. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:19 pmcaroline said:

    @32 Phil was an amazing musician. He was the real deal on the DTM, people were lucky to witness him playing. The “pretty lady” comment was so phil, very sweet soul.

  37. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:20 pmscoriole said:

    @33. um, i suppose you aren’t speaking of Phil when you are referring to a banjo playing person who plays badly, as he was pretty repspected as a musician around most parts.(not just the charlottesville area, either).

    anyhow- how about the harmonica player? he always makes a stop or two through here every year on his circuit of street playing. and he’s very nice.

    Uriah is the older black man who carries a sign or clapboard and has a great beatiful voice, yes?

    he’s nice to listen to on a quiet sunny sunday.

    /DTP steal your drinks off patio tables if you don’t hold on the them (the drinks) at all times.
    //at least, some of them do.

  38. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:21 pmblahs said:

    @10 I hate banjo guy. With a passion. I was super pissed one day when the rapture hostess called the cops on a teen playing bagpipes (who was pretty good) and yet never do anything about banjo guy. He did seemed to be playing something new today–an awful happy birthday maybe? I couldn’t really tell…

    @13 We always called him “McFly” http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/d/d0/250px-George_1955.JPG

  39. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:23 pmmc said:

    @34: I thought the same thing. giant backpacks, walking sticks. But I’ve known some through hikers and even they aren’t that dirty.

    @35: way to drop the persona so quickly, man. From “us” the “them” just like that. Your post is good, dude. don’t worry about haters. it’s puppy pee.

  40. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:23 pmoy said:

    of course not, Phil was an amazing musician - I’m speaking of the older gent who now plays (plucks) banjo in front of Bank of America.

  41. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:28 pmshenanigans said:

    One of the DTPs brought his wolf/dog into Monticello Animal Hospital one day and we helped him bandage up her foot even though there was no way we were gonna get any money out of him. Saw him walk by my door the other day and she looked like she was all healed. I still feel bad for DTP canines though. It must be a hard life.

  42. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:32 pmTarot Card Guy said:

    @38 - sorry i’m still new to the internet. i will now check my soul at the door.

  43. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:33 pmChartreuse said:

    @37– Uriah may be nice to listen to on a quiet Sunday, but on the weekdays that he decides to walk up and down the mall singing he is my mortal enemy. I can hear him in my second-floor office, through my headphones, and it drives me nuts. Same goes for flute guy.

  44. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:37 pmTarot Card Guy said:

    by @38 i mean @39. stupid internet

  45. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:38 pmSilmo Syrup said:

    WTF?!? I’m gone for a month and already forgotten. I want to hang out with the crazy twirling tabourine sisters. (Where have they been lately?)

    /likes DTP

  46. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:43 pmmc said:

    44: don’t worry, you’re allowed to have a soul as long as it is bulletproof.

    45: you’re a mallstar? VodkaMan?

  47. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:46 pmTarot Card Guy said:

    Chartreuse, are you “Angry Red Faced Guy” ? One time I was eating lunch on the Mall and someone was playing loud music near the Paramount and obviously got on “Angry Red Faced Guy’s” nerves. He stormed out of his 2nd Floor Office and brought over Downtown Mall cop and made the loud musician relocate. “Angry Red Faced Guy” then sucked down a Camel Red and went back up to his second floor office to drink whiskey and work on his memoirs on a typewriter.

    A friend later saw him ordering a peach smoothie at Smoothie King a few weeks later, so maybe he’s really not that angry.

  48. 27 Jun 2008 at 1:49 pmChartreuse said:

    By virtue of my sex (that of the fairer), I am not. However, after your story, I am so very fond of Angry Red Faced guy and completely empathize with him; if you have his address I would like to send him a Smoothie King gift certificate.

    /angry people like smoothies, too

  49. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:03 pmdave said:

    How about that dude with all the metal and tats on his face who wears a cloak. He always seems disappointed that people aren’t more shocked by him.
    P.S.–My friends insist Tarot Card has a highly unfortunate past. Is this not the case? I dont think I’ll toss the rumor out on the interwebs, but it’s always made me not want to stop for a reading.

  50. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:08 pmbelmont yo said:

    I cannot abide Tarot Card Guy. His ingratiating passive aggressive grooviness stains my soul.

  51. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:10 pmLu Sid said:

    @49 - I can confirm Tarot Card guy has an unfortunate past and quite an interesting story.

  52. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:17 pmbelmont yo said:

    @ 51 Do you have independent references for this “unfortunate story”, or did he tell you. I’ve known a lot of folks like him, and they all seem to have these nebulous “unfortunate stories”… but what do I know? The problem is obviously in my head. Probably as a result of my PTHD (Post Traumatic Hippy Disorder).

    /i can has meds?

  53. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:19 pmscoriole said:

    @49 i’ve heard this, or something like it, too.

  54. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:24 pmLu Sid said:

    No, I have just heard his side. So I guess it could be fiction?
    @53 - Bummer huh? It fueled my already overwhelming doubt of marriage.

  55. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:26 pmGobbler said:

    got here late, didn’t read all the posts, but what about the Ban-tard? Part banjo, part guitar, part retard and all terrible.

  56. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:30 pmTarot Card Guy said:

    @55 are you talking about “Two Song Banjo Player” (see comment 10)?

    I think I like “Ban-Tard” better as a name

  57. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:31 pmbelmont yo said:

    So I guess it could be fiction?

    Oh man, but see, what IS reality, man? I mean we could just be the gods imagining ourselves, right? See, you’ve drawn the three of cups in your crown chakra, which WOULD mean that there is a celebration in your near future, but since it is inverted it means the paradigm shifts to a memory of past harmony. Like when you get done wrong after a long period of peace, like what I told you happened to me. Its not at all that it makes me seem like I have overcome so much that it actually makes me look like Im doing well, man. It actually happened, man, like in my soul. Im like a spirit warrior champion of the seven silver veils of Avalon, dude. Oooh… seven of wands! This means…

    / though whatever he is is better than the cynical bitch that I have become.

  58. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:36 pmscoriole said:

    @54: i heard something different. but it’s nothing i repeat, certainly not here. but i don’t go have him read my cards or stuff.

  59. 27 Jun 2008 at 2:37 pmLu Sid said:

    What? Is that your inner hippie talking? Oh yes I do believe it is.

  60. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:29 pmshenanigans said:

    That graphic is rad. Somebody works in desktop publishing. Make me one.

  61. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:30 pmsome.dude said:

    Tarot Card Guy talks to my dog in tongues.

  62. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:33 pmStanley said:

    Tarot guy talks to my tongue in dogs.

  63. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:35 pmGobbler said:

    shen tongues my dog and talks.

  64. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:36 pmscoriole said:

    i met a dog who spoke to tongues in Tarot.

  65. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:36 pmparlie said:

    in soviet russia, talking dogs tongue you.

  66. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:46 pmCrackhead said:

    Are you on crack?

  67. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:46 pmlolo said:

    my dog speaks in tongues when she’s reading Tarot at the Box.

  68. 27 Jun 2008 at 3:54 pmshenanigans said:

    @63: SCARY. I almost commented the same thing.

  69. 27 Jun 2008 at 4:04 pmparlie said:

    it’s amazing, these threads have a remarkable ability to demonstrate the circle of life. they start out with real words and actual commentary, but with a half-life of about 4 hours, they really start to decay rapidly around 3pm, and by 4-430 you’re left with nothing but the granular components of internet speak that will tomorrow re-form into another ridiculous post.

    ashes to ashes, dust to dust… i’m gonna go get a fuckin beer.

  70. 27 Jun 2008 at 4:05 pmshenanigans said:

    poop

  71. 27 Jun 2008 at 4:06 pmGobbler said:

    ha. parlie’s 69.

    /just got a beer, too. what a coincidonk.

  72. 27 Jun 2008 at 4:07 pmshenanigans said:

    @71: Most action he’s gotten in awhile

  73. 27 Jun 2008 at 4:54 pmcbob said:

    I am thoroughly confused now. Also #8 on your list - I have his CD that he was selling last summer and it’s pretty good but he’s about a half step flat the whole time :( That guy was seriously cool.

  74. 27 Jun 2008 at 5:06 pmStreet said:

    Harmonica Dave (aka- Bucket Man) is on youtube. I showed him this post and he thought it was silly. Oh, and the “loudest flautist” (aka- Robert) thinks his nickname is hilarious.

  75. 27 Jun 2008 at 5:26 pmscoriole said:

    @74: what a great video!
    “75 or busted”

    after Dave gets done with the song his commentary:
    “now that was about 80 decilbles, but it’s okay ’cause I’m not on the downtown mall”…

    /nice.

  76. 27 Jun 2008 at 5:27 pmscoriole said:

    (heehee comment number 75, too).

    /going to see if that number can win me at lottery…

  77. 27 Jun 2008 at 5:45 pmparlie said:

    that was hands down the best bucketman song i’ve ever heard. and yes, loudest’s name is hilarious. thanks street.

  78. 28 Jun 2008 at 7:28 amRose McIntire said:

    @41 I never got the whole wolf/dog cache. We have some wealthy folks who bring theirs to my job and boy..they are skittish. I mean we get that with border collies too, but I guess the whole cache is what people are looking for. Why not just go to the fuckin pound and get an actual DOG? Or do like I did and just wait, one will turn up in your life you cant get rid of, no matter how many other animals you find homes for.

  79. 28 Jun 2008 at 12:35 pmthe expert on everything said:

    as an expert of downtown mall dirtbags, i feel obligated to add my two cents to this. lets cover some of the basics.

    1) “sir sir sir” is a piece of shit. he usually hides his crack in between his peg leg and his nub (fact confirmed by charlottesville police). anyone that gives this man money is a sucker; when you walk away he’ll usually pull out a roll that is supplied to him by the government and/or crack sales and wipe the sweat off his brow.

    2.) “tom petty” or “tom peddy” is the formal name of the dude mentioned in #19. short for tom pedophile. he is probably the biggest creep in cville. we havent verified the camera bag yet, but he did seem to wander away very quickly yesterday when i said “smile youre on candid camera.”

    3.) “tarot card guy” is fine. i dont have a problem with him bc at least hes providing a service. all these other freeloaders…learn how to juggle, stand on your head, play the “dont breathe game,” do something.

    4.) “bucket man” is also legit. unless you really hate the harmonica, this dude doesn’t bother anyone and goes on his way. and yeah, hes been doing it for 150 years so hes got seniority.

    5.) the “optional leg vietnam vet” surprisingly doesn’t bother many people. he lets his sign do the talking, and that i can respect. what you’ve got to watch out for is crazed “girlfriend” who can usually be found hustling for him around the fountain or speed walking around ripping ciggarettes.

    6.) “ban-tard” is probably the best nickname i never came up with. self explanatory. everyone feel bad for tracy and sarah from crapture.

    7.) “seu george” keeps it real with his french folk songs or whatever. he was AWESOME covering bowie in the life aquatic.

    8.) Robert “the loudest flautist” cant help it that his amp is permanently stuck on 11. give the guy a break.

    9.) the undercover NASA agent seen at mudhouse is actually the “little bobby fisher from bosnia.” apparently he rolls out on enough people in chess to support him….self?

    10.) not always a prominent figure on the mall, (she also terrorizes on the corner) the black crack ho who pisses herself and makes a huge scene everywhere she goes is also one of my d-bag favorites. kicking her out of the ballroom was so much fun for us….. again, and again, and again, and again…

    11.) lets not forget the “king of the crackheads.” you might recognize this dude by his bottom lip that is usually dragging 7 feet behind him as he walks, begs for change, and gets really pissed off when you dont supply him with our hard earned money. i would love to cut off his lip and sell it to a thai restaurant.

    12.) my personal favorite, “quart of beer.” you might recognize this guy if you’ve been barked at anytime on the east end of the mall. relatively new in town, he got his name by yelling from the belmont bridge, “HEY…if you boys buy me another quart of beer…i reckon i could jump off this bridge and not get hurt.” Often found in the dirtbag skybox of the pavilion, (the upstairs window of the annex building) QB is easily recognized by his head and face which is one giant beard with a hat on, and his black starter jacket despite it being 165 degrees.

    13.) QB’s boy, “Walker.” this guy is also harmless. hes just looking to take his slow walking ass to lucky 7 and slam some steel reserve 22’s.

    14.) a couple that should be watched is the “Brangelina” of the DTM dirtbags. both middle aged, this wall eyed white woman and black mini afro-ed dude have surprisingly remained together for what seems like decades in dirtbag years. usually they are tame, but either them or their crew have definite defecation problems that seem to end up all around the east end of the mall. yeah, keep telling yourself its dog shit. its not.

    15.) the bottom line with train hoppers is that they cant be trusted, for even the smallest of things. yeah they look soooo cool and rugged with their green/brown uniform with optional metal rivets and such that have been badazzled oh-so-carefully…but these people dont give a fuck about society or your face and will fuck you over in a heart beat.

    home sweet homeless. (tattooed on the arm of a train hopping d-bag.)

  80. 28 Jun 2008 at 3:28 pmRose McIntire said:

    @79 When I lived in Texas, the homeless were lit on fire while they slept. Perhaps that’s an institution you would recommend starting here? Granted a 16 year old girl was raped and hung on a fence to die and mutilated cats turned up in mailboxes around town regularly, but they could deal with some homeless folks.
    Maybe its just me, but some folks with shitty lives beggin’ for change and leading a life I sure don’t want is preferable to rampant raging violent psychotics roaming your streets. Just a little perspective. I know I have never felt like my safety was threatened by anyone on the mall who appears to be homeless, even when I refuse change etc.

  81. 28 Jun 2008 at 6:44 pmVaGodiva said:

    Hey…what about the Cville Pimp? How’d he get left out? Usually seen at Blue Light once a night in some sort of crazy outfit…

  82. 28 Jun 2008 at 7:03 pmcaroline said:

    that was oy

  83. 29 Jun 2008 at 5:02 pmchickadee said:

    I first saw the train people a year ago, but not here in Charlottesville – they were trying to hitch a ride on an exit ramp off of I-81 down in Abingdon, VA (about 3.5 hours south of here). The next day they were at a rest stop further up 81. A few months later, there they were on the Corner. So, I don’t think of them as the train people, I think of them as the Hitchikers.

  84. 30 Jun 2008 at 12:42 amparlie said:

    i like to think of them as people who decided to pierce their faces shut and spend their spare time smelling horrible.

  85. 30 Jun 2008 at 7:19 amStreet said:

    when I glanced at your comment, I swear it read “pierce their feces’.

    /needs more coffee

  86. […] the heart of Charlottesville was a pedestrian mall, filled with the imfamous mallstars and international businessmen.  It all began the day the Queen of Farmington visited the mall […]

  87. 30 Jun 2008 at 11:14 amshenanigans said:

    @79: OMG! That crazy chick used to come to Petit Pois and be obnoxious. We couldn’t turn her away because she would order a drink and pay for it. But then she would start singing or yelling REALLY loudly and did in fact, pee all over herself one time. Then walked away in her pee soaked denim skirt while we stared in horror and wondered which one of us was going to have to clean up the pee-soaked seat cushion.

  88. 30 Jun 2008 at 3:43 pmTheUpstart said:

    Every single time I walked by the guy singing in French last year, he was singing Moon River. I’ll never watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s again.

    5.) the “optional leg vietnam vet” surprisingly doesn’t bother many people. he lets his sign do the talking, and that i can respect. what you’ve got to watch out for is crazed “girlfriend” who can usually be found hustling for him around the fountain or speed walking around ripping ciggarettes.

    We talk to this guy fairly regularly. At one point, he was gone for about a week. When he came back, we asked where he had been and he told us that his girlfriend had stabbed him!

  89. 30 Jun 2008 at 3:53 pmFloozy said:

    @87 Shen…. you of all people should see the irony of her behavior considering the name of the establishment.

  90. 30 Jun 2008 at 3:56 pmshenanigans said:

    @89: It was more than a little pee however. It was a LOT of pee!

  91. 01 Jul 2008 at 2:38 pmGobbler said:

    so, we have a new potential Mall Star on the loose… spotted today around lunch time wearing a white male with a long grey beard and a grey pony tail, sporting a black robe and a heavy golden chain supporting a large golden cross. he had a lady on each arm

    He has been dubbed either “Pimpin’ Priest” or “Reverend. Gothcia”

    It was decided that we need three sightings on three different days to include him in the Mall Stars. Please help.

  92. 01 Jul 2008 at 3:00 pmparlie said:

    i saw him too. he was chatting with TCG, and i think we should name him “lord polyester of panhandledam,” or “black peter.”

    either way i’m good.

  93. 03 Jul 2008 at 9:06 amotterdung said:

    to #91: there used to be about 28 communes within 20 miles or so of the Mall. I’m wondering if the Pimpin’ Priest is Brother Gregory, alleged to be a new cult-leader, with a sort of neo-Waco compound down on Rt 29 South in Nelson–same Maharishi story, devotees tunr over assets and get done up the poop-chute by the GOOOOOO-ROOOOOO for their troubles, a sacrament borrowed from Xicism.

    Same, there’s a weird fey guy named Gregory one sees at coffeehouses in john lennon glasses, sometimes appears in a dog-collar, and always earnest-looking except when he appears drug-addled. But he’s clean-shaven unless drug-addled in which case wears a scraggly three-dayer, missing by a wide-margin that ‘george-clooney look’.

    In Asheville, there was a sort of sex-institute led by this singularly unprepossessing guru, a mid-sixties (age, not decade-alignment) white guy but done up in robes to appear ‘eastern’ with a flowy beard—he’d show up late-night in VERY expensive bars with bored-housewives whom it would seem he’d ‘liberated in consciousness and form’. Perhaps they ran that guy out on a rail (though they never run out ANY crackpots from Asheville) and he’s come here to open a franchise/outpost.

    Let’s keep an eye on this one. Cville has a long history of sex-addict gurus, in these communes and at the BIG COMMUNE IN THE SKY, UVA—there was that guy Michael Whatsit who published his memoirs of being a Cville Sex-Addict, lived in the Altamont Downtown, going on for pages about doing homely girls he’d pick up at SUDS: The Singles’ Laundromat, and also his landlord’s German Shepherd a few times (how THIS chef d’oeuvre missed the NYT Bestseller list is beyond me…).

  94. 03 Jul 2008 at 9:58 amshenanigans said:

    @93: What?!!!! Tell me more!

  95. 03 Jul 2008 at 10:01 amThor said:

    we had a pretty hot discussion on cults back in the day..

    http://cvillain.com/2008/01/10/cults/

  96. 03 Jul 2008 at 11:36 amotterdung said:

    #95 sorry to have missed it—i will study in detail, soonest. apologies for jumping in on an old thread, then.

    This Gregory character is ne-plus-ultra creepy. But now that i think of it, the putative ‘cult’ in Nelson is Brother Charles, not Father Gregory. Because I’m an idiot.

    So glad you-all are covering these mall-crawler personalities. My fave were good-old Phil Gianniny and Phil Gair (The Mall Buddha) for gentle presence.

    There was a DARK LORD a couple years back, name forgot (he used several), but he escaped judgmental Cville’s persecution to rural NC where I’m sure tolerance, etc. reign supreme. He was a soi-disant Warlock and Practitioner of the Dark Arts, cast spells from a cauldron in Scottsville and would occasionally corner one to discuss the benevolence of the universe (these lads are rats-nests of contraries—Dark Lords ain’t supposed to be benevolent, right?) that was aggregating debenture escrow accounts for ‘them’ such that they could construct a medieval castle in Nelson at which they’d congregate for spells-casting, dark-masses, and doubtless something like what was going on in that unwatchable Tom Cruise abortion of a film–Eyes Wide Shut (or in Tom C’s own life, if we belive what we hear about the scientologists).

    oi.

    where ARE all the cool sexy pagan witches of cville yesteryear?

  97. 03 Jul 2008 at 11:39 amshenanigans said:

    *swoon* You said soi-disant…Tell us more about the sex addict guy.

  98. 03 Jul 2008 at 11:48 amotterdung said:

    i didn’t know him well, just saw him around and only discovered his penchants (since you seem to enjoy the froggified english i slipt in…) when the book came out; but he hung around downtown and allegedly ‘did’ most of the MFAs of that era, as well as most of his fellow professors, his undergrad Eng students, and most of the waitstaff of most of the (then only a dozen) restaurants in downtown as well as most free-roaming pets and siblings. His book is hard to find (i don’t have it), but it details a lot of these. I recognize at least several local pseudo-celebs in it, most notably a woman-poet whose name…. well…. And i didn’t know the German Shepherd.

    Secret Life: An Autobiography , Michael Ryan

    that’s all i’ve got, sorry.

  99. 03 Jul 2008 at 11:51 amotterdung said:

    to # 95

    it’s still sad about poor Haines–a good fellow.

  100. 03 Jul 2008 at 11:58 amheaddy hotdog said:

    I’m surprised to find that everyone’s favorite hot dog vendor doesn’t get counted as a mall star. Is homlessness a requisiste for inclusion?

  101. 03 Jul 2008 at 12:00 pmotterdung said:

    dementia is. provide credentials for same.

  102. 03 Jul 2008 at 12:06 pmbelmont yo said:

    ‘cult’ in Nelson is Brother Charles

    He has since ‘promoted’ himself to “Master Charles”, and the cult’s name is Sychronicity. I went to one of his “dialogues” (read: indoctrinations) just for kicks. I think the dude needs a wheelbarrow to carry his ego around in. Enlightened? Indeed.

    And were any of these folks associated with the Swannanoa House up on top of the mountain off 64? I’ve been there, its all made of white marble… and I have heard off strange goings on up there in the past. Dude wrote a book called “love” i believe. Anyone know what that was all about?

  103. 03 Jul 2008 at 12:18 pmotterdung said:

    to #102–

    More nerve than i to ‘do’ a Brother Charles gathering. Thank you for clearing that up, i’d been curious—do they still sell mugs with pictures of him on them?

    Swannannoa was pretty cool, but don’t know much about the cult. Walter and Lao Russell in the 20s. Actually Pres Roosevelt and others used to visit there, think it may have been loosely aligned with Theosophy (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Madame Blavatsky, etc.) and Fourth-Dimension-Stuff. New cinder-block-sized book out about Lao. One of them painted–these horrifying pseudo-spiritual ‘light’ things. The house itself was amazing when it was still a museum in the 90s. Now i think it’s empty and No Trespassing, though i drove up once and the gorgeous gardens had gone to seed and the house had OZZY RULES grafitti all over it.

    Did the group survive the sale of the house?

  104. 03 Jul 2008 at 12:23 pmotterdung said:

    generally, i guess i could submit a list of personal faves as the initial post in the categories most natural to describe them all:

    anchorites, catamites, erudites… frauds, bawds and lawds (Capshaw the closest), goths, sloths and moths (ever heard this—it’s the chicks in diaphanous white vintage crinolines and linens faded and flowing, pale themselves), hot-for-tots, polyglots, drooling-sots, etc., etc., etc.

  105. 03 Jul 2008 at 12:34 pmbelmont yo said:

    More nerve than i to ‘do’ a Brother Charles gathering.

    Meh. I’m from the sf bay area so Im fairly calloused to the new age. When folks try to harmonically converge on my ass, I have my cloak of cynicism fend them off. That and some magical magnetic hematite amulets…

    do they still sell mugs with pictures of him on them?

    Oh my friend that is just the beginning. His fucking mug is EVERYWHERE, not just on his mugs. I definitely hit the gift shop, and was rewarded with offerings of commodified spiritual peculiarity at a level heretofore unknown. I cannot list them all here, but I will describe the crowning jewel. Bins of small river rocks on which very amatuer renditions of the faces of clowns were painted. Scary clowns. Very scary amature clown portraits. Since the were retailing for a mere $22, I inquired with the glazed over clerk as to their purpose. Apparently they are to keep in one’s pocket to remind one to laugh. Suffice it to say, if I was toting around a scary clown rock in my pocket I would be reminded of a very many things, none of which would be laughter.

    I am still on their mailing list for periodic hilarity via post. Good times…

  106. 03 Jul 2008 at 12:41 pmotterdung said:

    terrifying.
    i’ll try to take a drive by the Compound this weekend, just for laughs.
    if i don’t post on Monday, send Janet Reno in for me, OK?

  107. 03 Jul 2008 at 1:06 pmcolfer said:

    Mr. Otter Dung, @pproximately 104, I’ll just add this triplet for completeness…

    Town, Gown and Hound - the name of the society page in the Daily Progress in the 1970s

  108. 03 Jul 2008 at 1:14 pmheaddy hotdog said:

    @101

    Epic fail. The guy is actually pretty cool

  109. 03 Jul 2008 at 1:24 pmotterdung said:

    #108/101

    sorry—i was being a wisearse about what it takes to be a notable FREAK, not a notable Swell—i like hotdog guy, as we all do.

  110. 03 Jul 2008 at 1:32 pmGobbler said:

    This is all very interesting, but for some reason the voice in my head that reads otterdungs words has a very “red dragon” tone to it.

  111. […] so bored I just caught myself staring at the wall and singing a son to myself about the bucket man. We need a new caption contest. I think we pretty well ragged out the last one, so here’s […]

  112. […] of our famous Mallstars, Tony is owner of the hippest coffee joint on the downtown mall, Cafe Cubano.  I don’t know […]

  113. 07 Jul 2008 at 3:48 pmeffinhippie said:

    @13

    Hilarious.

    The fact that none of you know who “20’s lawyer guy” is, should serve as a cautionary note.

  114. 07 Jul 2008 at 4:09 pmcbob said:

    Anyone who remembers ‘the Gus’ (even in an internet respect) would know who he was and probably a good cross section of folks still downtown. If it’s who I think you’re talking about then yes, I know.

  115. 07 Jul 2008 at 4:16 pmbelmont yo said:

    @ 113 Care to enlighten us, the great unwashed ignorant? Or is there not enough room in your vat of smugness?

  116. 07 Jul 2008 at 4:22 pm26 world said:

    @115 I’m guessing people are talking about Matt Farrell. Who is about as Charlottesville as Charlottesville ever got, whatever that means.

  117. 07 Jul 2008 at 4:26 pmcbob said:

    Downtown in the 90s: http://www.asecular.com/musings/

  118. 07 Jul 2008 at 4:30 pmeffinhippie said:

    Noooooooooooo…

    That wasn’t smugness (although there is little room for anyone else here in this vat).

    I was honestly amused that Farrell has become an “unknown” to the latest batch of mallsters.

    The passing of the torch & all just struck me as funny.

  119. 07 Jul 2008 at 4:32 pmshenanigans said:

    @118: That’s MallstARS mister!

  120. 07 Jul 2008 at 4:51 pm26 world said:

    @118 I know what you mean. When I bartended, we had names for some of the regular characters:Crazy Pint Guy, Firestarter, Cupshaker, Cosmo Carl, etc. (all bars have their own roster). Farrell, while definitely a mall fixture, as some of the people mentioned in this thread are, doesn’t really seem to fit into a “how ’bout *that* guy?” kind of thread.

  121. 17 Jul 2008 at 1:36 amLoudest Flautist said:

    who wants to start a band?

    back in ‘74 you didnt need the internet for this. just a bag of weed and a dream…

  122. 02 Sep 2008 at 2:39 ammel's diner said:

    Hey Ed, are you still living at the campsite? Forgive my ignorance, its tough to keep up with all the banter. I’ve talked to Dave (Bucket Man, harmonica guy, whatever) and enjoyed the talk, but am wondering where he stays too. I ask about the campsite because I think there will be a couple of “forts” or shelters that me and my cohorts can give you guys. They’re being built over the next two weeks, so we could get them to you soon. I will find you this week or weekend about this if you’re interested. They should be pretty decent… at least they’re intended to be that way!

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