All this recent talk of blind dates and beer goggles got me thinking about some of my nightmare dates from hell. I think the singles scene is such a great source of hilarious stories,so let us throw a few out there for fun. Here is my favorite to begin, and may celestial lightening zap me in the ass, this is a true story:
I was at a club in London with a bunch of girlfriends, and just for a change we were drunk as skunks. At some point in the evening, I got talking to this guy who gave me his number. Next morning I get up with the hangover from Hades and go to see if I had vomited in my purse (taxi cabs in London charge you $100 if you barf in their ride and a purse costs $20… do the math). Purse had escaped the wrath of the Chunder Monster, but then I see this beer mat with a drunkenly scrawled number on it. As the day progressed and my hangover receded , I called my friends to ask them if they remembered me talking to this chap, and each one in turn professed to have seen me talking to someone that resembled Brad Pitt crossed with Pierce Brosnan. My foggy memory seemed to clarify with each subsequent testimony, until eventually the beer mat assumed the importance of a million dollar winning lottery ticket. Sexual ecstasy was a mere phone call away.
I went through the obligatory torment stages of ‘how-long-do-I-leave-it-to-not-look-desperate’ and the killer ‘what-if-he-gave-his-number-to-someone-else-and-she-calls-first-and-they-elope-to-Vegas-on-their-first-date’. I lasted until the next day and called him after work. He was delighted to hear from me. He recounted things I had said to him.He said I was different to other girls. We arranged to meet for a date 4 days hence at Covent Garden Tube Station in Central London.
As I walked down the street towards the station, my biggest fear was not recognizing him. I had been too embarrassed to say to him “Look Dude, I was completely shit-faced in that club, so can we wear pink carnations or carry a copy of The Times or use some other signal”. Instead I brazenly strode forth and hoped that my pickled brain would not let me down…. and it didn’t. I scanned the station ticket hall, and sure enough I recognized him. As a weight lifted off my shoulders, a gigantic alarm bell hit me square in the pie hole but I wasn’t sure why. It just felt…wrong. Then it felt VERY fucking wrong as I walked closer to where he stood. Guys, t he dude was a fucking midget. I’m so sorry but I am 5′7″ and this poor guy was all of 4′2. He was not a genetic dwarf, just a short person.A really REALLY short person that had been sitting on a bar stool the entire time I had been talking to him in the club.
I tried SO hard to be cool, but when he stepped down from the high step he was on, and I had a view of the top of his head, I felt like a pedo… I wanted to buy him an ice cream with sprinkles on and check his homework and get him one of those really cool big fat pens with all different colored inks that you switch between with a button. I was too polite to say “OMFG YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE” and so we went through this facade of a date, just staying long enough to not offend but getting home in time to see ER at 10pm. We parted company back at the station…. it was awkward because I felt guilty and I’m sure he felt rejected. We went to shake hands, but it somehow it became this daft semi-hug-handshake and he definitely took full advantage of being directly at boob level and then was gone. Cheeky little bastard.
Unleash the stories guys and gals….
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Tagged as: blind date, london, midgets, Travel
another shooting last night..surprise surprise. this one off of hydraulic
…http://www.nbc29.com/global/story.asp?s=8845632
Don’t want that kind of hol’ in my Ho’ Foods.
@1 - Were you on a date at the time? (or do you just enjoy clumsy non sequitors?)
pshhh I just wanted to alert the general cvillain public about what went down.
don’t worry now that there is a topic-appropriate post I can relocate all shooting-related info to there.
@1. You killed the well told story with the shooting dude.
/Although I appreciate your eagerness to share very important local news, I think the Free for All would be a better setting for next time.
//Now back to midgets, drunk love stories and blind dates.
I haven’t even read this yet, but I know it’s gonna be good.
this is hilarious. Similar story happened to me in Asia. I met a girl at a club amidst blaring music and one too many redbull-vodkas. Lets just say we talked in the shadows of the cozy bar interspersed with random lasers in my eye. After a couple drinks and lots of dancing, she gave me her number. My friends were telling me the next day what a player I was, and I thought, heck, she must have been hot.
So she calls the next day to go out again, and asks me to meet her in the downtown bar district. We were texting the whole time I was in the taxi on the way over, and as I approach the bar street, I text her I am almost there and she gives me her exact location. As I pass it, I don’t see anyone I recognize, or would like to recognize. The only woman in a couple block radius is not a very pretty one…and I think to myself…there is no way it is that one. I decided at that moment there is nothing more embarrassing than meeting a woman at a bar, planning to meet with her, and having no idea who the hell she was.
Sure enough I call her and I see that lonely woman answer her mobile…..oh man, never a sadder day. Ill be honest, I did go out with her and had fun, but she turned out to be a head case.
Haha nice story.
Oh man that’s happened to me but it involved a very cute guy saying he was 5′11″ on the myspaces and when I got to his house and he opened the door, I was looking down at him. I’m 5′8″ so….MM you are such a liar.
bars and clubs should have a mandatory panel of exit judges grading all the people you meet so you have an objective non-wasted opinion. I think many of us would be saved by such public services.
saying he was 5′11″ on the myspaces and when I got to his house and he opened the door, I was looking down at him
has parlie since updated his page to honestly reflect his lepechaunity?
Van… at least you didn’t leave her standing there waiting. I so wanted to walk away that night too, but it’s just so cruel to do that. Kudos for being kind
Shen… did you still go out with MM or fake sudden illness?
Parlie doesn’t have a myspaces anymore. But yes he lied about his height too. I think he put he was 5′9″.
Is that real Floozy or an imp? Yes I still went out with him but I was pissed about the deception.
aw, stop hating on short people! midgets on the other hand…
my worst date in recent memory involved a guy who kissed with teeth… and I’m not talking cute nibbles on my bottom lip. I don’t know WHAT was going on, I was (of course) a bit drunk, but I got outta there.
It is me… just on a poxy Treo.
/fuck. See told ya
Why don’t taller woman put the “you must be this tall to ride” signs at their front doors?
Great story Floozy, I think you and Shen should go on a pub crawl (kinda of a first date Shen) and see which of you gets the worst of the come on lines. It could be a competition of just an expedition but that’s something I would damn well read.
Dieter… and give their dates a bright orange paper bracelet.Cool idea.
yeah Dieter…. ALL the girls in town want to compete with Shen for attention. I’ll bring my PSP and the latest John Grisham in my purse to keep me busy.
/have you SEEN that ass Dude?
I have every confidence in your charm and english county rose accent will lay waste to a wide swath of Charlottesville’s finer gentleman.
(shen help me out..this is for a Floozy date)
You see Dieter… smug silence.
new boyfriend’s car runs out of gas on highway. boyfriend and i walk to nearest gas station to buy a can of gas. boyfriend asks nearby policeman if we can get a ride back to the car on the highway. policeman caves in. boyfriend and I in the back of a cop car on the way to broken down vehicle. Boyfriend begins to fill up car, splashes most of the contents on me (face and eyes included), laughs hysterically. can’t believe i gave him a second date.
@23: I dunno. He sounds like a real gas.
/no; it’s fine; I’ll see myself out
@23: Good thing you got out alive. I mean, just because us Villains have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
brilliant! Zoolander….i haven’t heard that in SO long. Give me more!
Matilda! Matilda!?
@21, 22: I’m working y’all. But yeah, me and Flooze should do that sometime soon.
Shen, i see you have totally forgotten about me.
Psssht, not forgotten just never get to see you because you live in L-vegas!
ok so i was bored and made an eharmony profile.. . i don’t know if i should be embarrased or just laugh at myself a lot
Haha I tried to do that one time and got rejected. Apparently I’m not Christiany or committmenty enough.
@30, I still say that people who do that are either 1) really desperate 2) divorced or 3) social outcasts of society
/my apologies go out to all of you that have them
@31 lol then i don’t know how i slipped through the cracks… at least it was free. @32 so . . um which do i have. lol maybe all three . ..
I, for one, am NOT a fan of the dating scene in cville. I went on a lousy date with this one guy…the only conversation he was capable of involved making racist comments about himself. He was also about three feet taller than me, which is just awkward. Now I see him whenever I go out (not on purpose). Eek!
@15 i went out with this guy in july who chomped down on the top part of my ear to “get me back” for my little nibbles. then he asked “how many guys will i be sharing you with this summer?”
/didn’t let him share.
I went to Blue Light with a guy one time who repeatedly insulted my intelligence then proceeded to fall drunkenly off his bar stool and lay on his back on the floor like a beached whale. I “went to the bathroom” i.e. snuck out the back door.
Way to call echo out Shen!
@36 - That’s fantastic. What a gent!
I got hit on by a bunch of 60-something alumns at Blue Light one time. One of them had an iPhone and wanted me to look up my facebook profile so he could download my pictures…so creepy.
One time I took my computer to the uva itc place to get it fixed. The guy that was working on it was super creepy and while I was sitting there watching him try to fix my laptop, he went on facebook and looked me up and went through all my pictures, making crude comments on each one then wouldn’t stop IMing me for a week………………………..point of the story, creepsters are running amok everywhere, maybe even moreso at uva, ugh.
snuck out the back door
Better than him sneaking *in* the the back door, IYKWIM, AITYD.
@39: Don’t take your comp to PcPro they always erase all my good porn
@40: OMFG STFU… JK
/unsnark mode/ PCPro is a pretty excellent shop. They’ve been very straightforward for me, and they do know how to clean your machine down to its whiskers if it goes bad. They run faster without the /snark mode return/ crapware from Dell, Gateway, etc. Don’t know about the pr0n.
oh, my god, people, NO new posts and it’s now almost the end of 8/17??
Ok, let me open it up - this weekend weather was amazing - I had to be in so many places at once and was stuck in a car most of the time, but it was beautiful!
/sorry, reaching off topic… for lack of anything else to say
Nothing worse than a bad kisser. I went out with one girl who cornered me against the wall and started kissing me like a Hoover (literally, sucking). I couldn’t get away, it was terrible. I guess that’s how she thought it was done. Needless to say, I broke it off.
have i told you about my myspaces date before? it was with shenanigans, and i remember she made fun of me for not being 5′9″. then she bought me a shot of GHB and swept the legs out from under my stool so that we’d get kicked out for being too drunk. on the way home she asked me to go in the back door, and i was like “no way, lady, you don’t even have an iphone.”
no way parls!! She did that to me too!
mmm, pathological.