I am sitting here at 30,000 feet above Florida, and the only thing to entertain me besides this precious IBM laptop is the infamous SkyMall in-flight magazine. You turn page after page of supposedly amazingly priced goods that do a couple things like:
- Charge your iPod with solar panels built into a backpack
- Promote hair growth for balding men via a laser comb
- Increase vehicle fuel economy by 30% for only $299.95!
I flip through the last page and have mixed feelings about all the gadget and toys I just read about. Immediately I think of that scene in Fight Club where Brad Pitt is about to create his Army of Anarchy. He says something along the lines of:
“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.”
And that’s what I think that magazine represents…a window into a life you need to buy into because you have convinced yourself it Is very hip and cool. So this isn’t my rise to call to anarchy, but it is a wake up call. Lately, I have been craving a Kitchen Aid mixer in some hi-tech color. They are everywhere! The scary thing is I don’t even bake.
What are you craving, and how badly do you not REALLY need it?
Popularity: 21% [?]
Tagged as: mind rant, villainry
Instead of flipping through Sky Mall, you could talk to your single-serving friend.
its even more bizarre once you have a jack and coke and it takes you even longer to read through the smartly written descriptions
Vanillavy, do me a favor and when you get to the page that has the wine butler (wire framed Frenchy looking waiter where you cram your bottles in his chest) do the following: Rip it out of the SkyMall, tear it into >6 but <40 pieces. Give it to the person next to you, tell them it’s a puzzle, and ask them to solve it. When they solve said puzzle, punch them in the face.
Then buy a floating speaker to put into your pool to play your iPod.
/I too crave a KitchenAid standing mixer, and will use it at least 3 times a week. I loves them.
Vanillavy, were you on one of the flights where the pass out the credit card applications that come with eleventy thousand frequent flier miles? I love it when they do that. They’re like “You’re stuck with us for the next 3 hours and the FAA says you have to do everything I say, so fill out this form and lets take your credit score down another 100 points. More debt! It’s what keeps America running.”
haha, i def know what you talk about. isn’t it obnoxious? or how about in the departure terminal when you have 20 min before boarding and the airline has table after table with smiling faces, teddy bears, water bottles, and CLIP BOARDs to sign you up for a new VISA?
YES I WANT A TEDDY BEAR!
More debt! It’s what keeps America running.”
Its not ‘debt’, its a ‘freedom balance’.
its a teddy bear balance
Airports remind me of my first week at college. Everyone signed up for credit cards with fake addresses and SSNs, so they could get the free t-shirt with John Belushi chugging a bottle of Jack; but then everyone had the same t-shirt and it wasn’t cool anymore. I could go on for days about airports, but I think I’ll stop here.
and now the obligatory…you’re a teddy bear balance
/C’MON ‘VILLAINS, what are your cravings!? I think this is a good lighthearted post, Vavy
@5 go to the mall, they have a entire store dedicated to making teddy bears. Perhaps someone here could make you one and send it to spicy bear HQ.
It’s Tyler Durden
C’MON ‘VILLAINS, what are your cravings!?
Material, spiritual or physical?
@11 Nice catch on the pop culture reference. He’s got a site and that’s about pop culture as well.
thanks, i thought i corrected from derdin to durden, and forgot the i….boo
/hiding in grammar shame
@12..i guess stuff you really want, but after a reality check you realize life wont truly be any better because of it
@15: Like a Gulf Stream?
I want a hot pink jeep and I want it jacked up on huge wheels.
Here you go.
@16 more like all the stuff in the window at Caspari (if you are a guy)
Close, it needs glittery paint and bigger wheels
Fine, be picky about it.
OH! oh. ohhhhh. Thassa nice.
in the window at Caspari (if you are a guy)
Because most guys I know are into overpriced picnic supplies…
@23: I was confused by that too, so I went and found a Jeep for shenanigans.
thats the point im trying to make. i feel like im taking crazy pills!
So its stuff we want but don’t need?
Guess Im gonna have to go with sybaritic oblivion.
@19, @23
i had one of the ones in the window and subsequently the napkin section (non-employee) at Caspari, and was disappointed somewhat (praying twas a nonreader of this site).
i’d like one of those machines that looks like a coffee-maker but produces cold club-soda or tonic.
and a set of wooden golf-clubs. and a girlfriend for post-prandial and weekend use. and one of those james-bond underwater scooter-things so i can find and kill the devil fish that took steve-irwin.
and more valium, now.
and for that ice-cream i just had not to have tasted like *ss, and to not be soaking wet now in the air-conditioning.
I want an HD Tivo, though I really want to discontinue my cable. TV rots your brain, for sho.
I want an iPhone, though there’s no 3G service here. I’ve resisted long enough and have totally bought into the notion that I need one. What a drone am I.
ass flavored ice cream? sick. was it from a local company or store-bought?
Ass flavored? Was it from:
Local:
Arse-ches?
Splendoranus?
Ass Chaps?
National:
Booty Bobbins?
Dairy-aire Queen?
Endlys?
Tainty Hill?
Turtlehead Mountain?
OxO
nice, Floozy! ( ! )
wow 31. i just took my pants off.
I’m on my way Parlie…..
Tuffy…. and I have one of those underwater James Bond thingies. For realsy. And a few years back I bought a pink Kitchenaid mixer at the SPCA rummage sale for $10 and it was still sealed in the box and had the Williams and Sonoma price sticker still on it ($400 or something outrageous) and I got drunk one night and gave it to a friend because it was always dusty and all we did was hang bananas on it.
@31
that was ex-quisite, as was @30. i think from the acid rains falling on me Downtown Mall my hair-gel dripping onto it may have been the problem.
@34
jamesbond thingeee way cool. enhance my pearl-diving experience.
had enough—happy labor day all, back wednesday.
Oh Flooze, that breaks my heart. We could have knocked a few fuzzy navels back and churned out some killer edible undies batter with that standing mixer.
Oh well. As they say, don’t cry over spilled KY Warming Sensations.
@37 I know… I get overly generous when drunky… I gave someone my Dyson Animal Vacuum a few months back and had to go back and reclaim it. Apparently I said it was the wrong color and just had to go…. it seems that purple and lime green becomes an anathema to me when I am on the sauce.
@38 Well next time you’re “on the sauce” hit me up. I’ll take that vaccuum for as long as it takes you to remember you gave it away. The dog hair is killer!
Yeah… that’s why I bought it… expensive but very effective. I was pissed that they actually took it, but was assured by witnesses that I INSISTED and even helped load it into their car. No memory whatsoever.
/I have to stop drinking
We’ve been looking at one. Sooo expensive though. But, I guess that fits on this post…but we kind of NEED it.
If this one broke, I would buy another. That Dyson dude really knows his shit. Have you seen the new one that swivels on a central ball thingy?
/can’t believe I am having this conversation. I need a drink.
I’m having a drink AND having this conversation. Yeah, have you tried that one?
I missed nearly all of today, so I’m a bit late but my current must-have-item is here.
Unfortunately I was in Richmond today and my fucking car drove itself to Total Wine and so I have 16 bottles of grog singing like Lorelei downstairs in the booze fridge.
/TRYING…. TO…JUST…SAY….NO…
@45 Give in to your desire and you will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
/personally I am tucking into some to-go x lozenge crack and cheese and a bottle of my mexican girlfriend. I expect around eleven pm I should be posting all sorts of nonsense. Perhaps I will show some restraint, perhaps not. Perhaps there will be undeserved forgiveness, perhaps not. As long as there is no jpeg nudity, I will consider it a victory. See ya in a few!
I gave in…. a cheeky little bottle of Villa Maria leapt up and caressed my cirrhotic soul.
/bring your soccer ball out and we can play on the FFA later.
@41: omg, that’s like wonder woman’s boat. a-maze-ing.
excuse me, @44
mc…. isn’t it the coolest damn thing EVAR. I plan to ride it naked down the James…
Bring your scuba gear guys.
it’s the only thing I’ve ever actually wanted from the hammer schlong store.
LOL mc…..Now that’s a store I could blow a bonus at….
blow a bonus … oh man. they supposedly had some good “back massagers” at one time but I can’t seem to locate them on the website. maybe it was sharper image?
my current crave. boys, if you have one of these, it’d be worth using in your pick up line. I’ve seen it work.
Yeah, I got one of those grand beds. It pretty much picks up where teh 9th orgasm left off.
/the 10th
tuffy… are you serious… omg.
Which part? No, I don’t have one, but skip this comment, ladies, if you want the illusion to continue.
/All aboard!
//And yes, that is a Sade tape.
///And double yes, the finest mahogany nightstand is in fact held up by a family photo album. But not my family. It’s either Tenisa’s or Mariam’s.
Ah, my comment is in weird commenting purgatory.
Well, here it is normal style
Which part? No, I don’t have one, but skip this comment, ladies, if you want the illusion to continue.
All aboard!
//And yes, that is a Sade tape.
///And double yes, the finest mahogany nightstand is in fact held up by a family photo album. But not my family. It’s either Tenisa’s or Mariam’s.
ok, there’s something up with the comment I’m trying to post. Shiz. Well, 2 very similar comments will be coming down the line any hour now.
Hahahaha… this is a great day for me… everything people want I have… mc… dat’s my nest baby!!
/feeling like a mixture of Verruca Salt and some horrid princessy type person.
Who the fuck has a $6,000 mattress? Who the fuck are you people? Why the fuck am I hanging around this country club when it just makes me feel like a fucking raggedy man? Jesus tapdancing christ.
/ i should really… well.. fuck it.
It’s an occupational tax deduction for me baby.
I don’t have one. I was trying to post a picture with my comment explaining that, but it’s “in moderation”
I’m rocking a newish Sealy bed. It does the jorb. Or so I hope.
I cant even afford the $1500 for a CPAP machine so I could have one, ONE night’s sleep in 25 years, and so I dont die of a fucking heart attack.
you princes and princesses and you pea proof sleep baskets.
wish people bought art…
Would it make you happy if I just set mine on fire? Of course I’d have to buy a new one tomorrow but if it appeases your current rancor then I will run out and get my gold plated gas canister out of the Rolls and incinerate this fiscal abomination.
I dont begrudge you yours, not for a second. I just cant seem to find mine.
maybe I should shut up now.
BYo, you’re getting into what we call a ’shame spiral’. Very negative. So let’s pick up that energy and turn it into a positive…say:
http://petopp.com/thinkpositive-add.jpg
or
http://www.ratemyeverything.net/image/7496/0/Cheer_Up.ashx
or better yet
http://www.monkeyingabout.co.uk/monkeyspankerflyer400.gif
@ 67 What part of “shameless” don’t you understand? Step off. I have no fear.
*pulls up chair but too frightened to eat popcorn*
b’yo - you have art for sale?
I know it’s after 11, but wanna know
i sure don’t have a 6000 dollar mattress. if i did, i’d expect transportation
wow, what happened to ya’ll? It’s like it’s friggin cinderella and everyone shuts down at midnight…