I don’t know where all of you guys work, but I am stuck at a desk Monday through Friday, in front of a computer. Other people are also stuck at desks around me. We don’t have many of those dividing cubicle walls so there is definitely a lack of privacy and not much buffer between each worker. I sit next to a friend, so that’s not that bad, but I swear to gawd when she eats at her desk, it drives me f**king insane. She chews noisily, and loudly smacks her lips between each bite. Chomp chomp chomp. Smack smack smack. She grunts a little “Mmm!” here and there. She belches. She talks on the phone with her mouth full. Something about those little wet smacking noises MAKES ME WANT TO STRANGLE HER.
Anything your coworkers do that drives you absolutely batshit?
[pic from cell105]
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Tagged as: coworkers, kill, office, work rant
My boss keeps waking me up whenever I try to take a nap. MY DOOR IS CLOSED FOR A REASON!!
sorry: i wasn’t at all joking @125.
Give in to your urges Shenanigans, it’s the only way to make the world a better place
The squirrel bit the hell out of me yesterday, so if I get rabies, you are all GOING TO DIE.
Your co-worker is a squirrel? Then I’m not sure she can help making little grunts and smacking her lips.
No, the squirrel is my pet. WAS my pet. Little bastard.
you missed you chance at some suckling squirrel and now all you got is the chance to die like Edgar Allan Poe
I fucking warned you.
i have a coworker that used to argue with his wife over the phone. that was awesome in a depressing way.
me too. wonder if it was the same guy? did you work in a basement?
omg, where do i begin?
hacking/coughing all over EVERYTHING.
picking their teeth while i’m answering their question.
when two or more stand by my desk (no walls, no privacy) and have a mini-meeting while i’m trying to work!
i could go on, but it’ll just anger me more.
i work from home here in charlottesville, but telecommute for a certain telecom company based over the mountain. occasionally, i have to make the trek over there and spend the entire day in the office. the cackling, drawling, and inane chatter there drive me F**King crazy. not to mention that it’s like trying to communicate with aliens when you attempt a conversation.
Headphones.
You can’t really wear headphones when your job is answering the phone.
shit, sounds like workplace violence is about to unleash itself. easy shenanigans…easy! just tell your co-worker to keep her racket down because the sound of her saliva and teeth masticating food is enough to make you vomit…all over her computer. And we all know you cant get vomit out.
If I tell her that, she will beat my skinny ass
She better not read this blog then, what will you do if someone at work shows her this?
She doesn’t do bloggy blogs
you can put it more nicely, but workplace courtesy/respect is something that everyone can expect, especially if you’re nice. if its that bad, talk to HR and they will intermediate for you. it sounds kind of rude and disgusting though. maybe no one ever talked to her about it?
Thanks, Ned Flanders, but it’s just an annoyance, not something she needs to be talked to about.
There is a solution to this type of workplace! You need to find an employer that adopts a Results-Only Work Environment (ROWE). Here is a good overview of the concept:
http://www.bnet.com/2403-13059_23-237128.html
We have that
If you have that type of flexibility, why don’t you work at least 50% from someplace else (i.e. not at your desk)?
BC it’s easier for me to get work done at my desk
Violence is the only solution. If she has a broken jaw, she will not be able to chew….It is a results oriented approach.
seriously LMAO
One particular co-worker: Milton meets Dwight Schrute meets Brick Tamland.
I used to share an office that had a table that we had intended for quick meetings, reading space, etc… one day my co-worker came to the office after cleaning his basement with a tabletop gumball machine and a 1980s mac that served no purpose… he still turned it on and it was loud as shit. I was very irritated to lose our meeting space because he couldn’t part ways with his junk
I really can’t stand the Southern accents that surround me. Sorry, “y’all”.
“File” is a one syallable word. Stop trying to make it two. I also can’t stand the poor grammar around here: “You ain’t going to be here next week, is you?”
Really? It seems to me that it would be those with Southern accents that would make “file” one syllable (sounding similar to “fall”), whereas those of us without a discernable accent say it more as “fy-uhl”.
+1 on grammar
It sounds like “FI-OIL”. Think Paula Deen.
Also had a co-worker that would yap on the phone for hours about her son’s t-ball uniform color; she would come in late and leave early. We started a daily game in which we tried to predict what time she’d come in. The person who was off by the most minutes at the end of the week would have to buy lunch for everyone else
We have this girl who is always walking around, talking loudly on her cell phone. She even takes it in the bathroom and talks while she pees.
We have one of those too. Talks-on-the-Cell-Phone-on-the-Can Girl.
I’m like WTF? You think whomever you’re talking to enjoys hearing you and me and everyone else peeing? Also, I didn’t really wanna listen to your stupid convo while relieving myself.
Amen. Pee stage fright is difficult enough as it is.
Check out some Man In The Box video shorts on YouTube sometime. They’ll make you feel better. Well, maybe not, but hopefully you’ll laugh. It will stave off the office strangulations.
The woman in the cube next to me talks to her husband two times a day for 20-30 minutes a time.
She would be embarrassed (or not, I would be) to know all that I have absorbed about her husband’s health issues, their constant issues with their neighbors and noise, how much work she has to do and how little time she has to get it down (gee, maybe cut down on those 10 cigarette breaks a day and those two phone calls to hubby). She also says “Exactly” about 15 times every phone call. I guess her husband complains a lot and she agrees on all points.
I can’t even make a haircut appointment or order flowers at my desk. I don’t want people around me knowing my business. I admit this is on the paranoid end of the spectrum.
OMG I feel ya. This lady always lets her cell phone ring really loudly with an obnoxious ring tone, then tells them she’ll call them right back and proceeds to go into a long personal phone call on her work phone. Which everyone in the room can hear.
We actually have you on a live web-cam feed. You mean you didn’t know?
I leave the building to make personal phone calls!
I close the door whenever I’m on the phone, personal calls or work related.
that’s cool you have a door and all but I am a peon and have a CUBE.
he had to move to DC to get a door, though
they’re fancy up there.
I had a door in Charlottesville too. I had to move to DC to lose my window.
I moved to Charlottesville from DC and I went from new cube to ancient cube.
I hate it when people go all Nuke-em Hall on the toilet and don’t clean up the clingons and such… and leave the fan on PLEASE….
oogers
appropriate response
hate it when co-workers microwave leftover and stink up the place… or when they burn their goddamn microwave popcorn
meant leftover fish
1. I hate stupid office small talk.
2. Loud chewers who eat crunchy food
3. People who wear flip flops and walk around all day so that their flip flops make annoying noises
I don’t think you realize “You ain’t going to be here next week, is you?” is a remnant of English when it had a thee-thou structure like most related languages. I another words, you are preeminently a yankee dumbass.
I may be a Yankee, but we won the war and you are ignorant.
Colfer, let’s play a game. It’s called let’s not be only negative. We can start by not insulting people.
Oh I want to play! GO TO HELL THOR!!!
/FTW
I found colfer’s post informative, and read the “dumbass” portion as mere punctuation.
Newsflash, people: Virginia is the North of the South. A lot of you affect more Southern accents and traditions than is actually authentic.
60% of all Civil War battles where fought here. Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee ring a bell. Yeah we are a southern state, a border state to be sure but without a doubt southern.
I love Northerns who move here and confuse Southern manners with acceptance of Northern ways.
What was that? I couldn’t hear you over that Hank williams Jr. you were blasting….
That’s Lynyrd Skynyrd, silly woman
..southern man don’t need him around anyhow.
I would debate that Maryland and Virginia are mid-atlantic.
Not gonna dispute that, many argue it one way or another. My point was, VA is the least “Southern” state of the South. Yet people take pride in being Southern here.
Yes, which is fine by me. Not like anyone needs my approval.
I am perfectly aware that I have an accent, too. It’s just not as in-your-face as my coworker’s, Paula Deen. I’m sure the daily scraping of my yogurt cup pisses her off.
I stand by my thought that there is no excuse for “You ain’t going to be here next week, is you”, especially in the publishing industry.
Only if said ironically!
please, Southerns aren’t that smart!!
I kid, I kid.
I would posit that from the tip of florida to the crest of maine, you east coast dwellin’ muthafuckas is straight freaks.
/yeah I brought another argumentative axis. what?
So this would make west coasters gay freaks? Om ok NTTIAWWT
Yes, i suppose we are rather happy and cheerful…
Everyone knows that america has a slight tilt to it, so everyone who is slightly unstable ends up rolling down hill and accumulating on the pacific rim.
Me and Dieter were born in Hawaii. So we are latitudinally more Southern than any of you.
True, true all you Key West-ers can suck on that!
Unless you are traveling around the earth in the opposite direction.
People in Virginia take pride in being Southern because they are. Just look at the list of Confederate Generals from Virginia:
Joseph Johnston
Robert E. Lee
Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson
Robert Ewell
Ambrose Powell “A.P.” Hill
James Stuart
Jubal Early
That’s 7 of the 12 key Confederate Generals. Not to mention the Confederacy’s most feared army was Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia, which originated in Alexandria.
It’s motherfucking History time!
but you still lost. Ouch!
Funny thing is, Europeans call all of us “Yanks”.
You left out the word fucking.
Before Yanks of course.
you taking a very short view of history- would you rather start a new business in Ohio or Virginia? Where is the rust belt? do people retire and go North? Where is the job growth or surprisingly more racial tolerance?
I just don’t think people should abandon their heritage. You can disagree wholeheartedly with the views of the Confederacy, but you shouldn’t try to hide the fact that at one time Virginians were among the most staunch Confederates.
well said, now where is the real Echo and what have you done with him?
No bringing your conferederate flag to the beach, mmkay? but you can play Hank Willaims Jr all you want
just make sure your bathing suit covers your confederate flag tattoo
First thing I’m doing when I get there…going to Wings and buying a Confederate flag beach towel.
Stars and Bars and Budweiser. Amen.
first thing I’m doing when I get there (Outer Banks, right?) — Leaving and going to West Malibu.
See ya
Florida is clearly the least southern, if it weren’t for the panhandle you couldn’t prove it was southern at all
florida is displaced jersey.
Florida: America’s wang.
LOL doesn’t accurately convey how much I just laughed
According to the U.S. Department of Commerce, Economics and Statistics Administration (the department containing the U.S. Census Bureau), Maryland and Virginia are both part of the South Atlantic while the Middle Atlantic is made up of Pennsylvania, New Jersey and New York
http://www67.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=is+virginia+a+southern+state%3F
my gardening books would disagree!
When I went to college, when I told my friend I was from Virginia, they thought that it must be cold because it was right next to New England. And I just stared at him in wonder how he made it past high school.
Your mom goes to college.
Umm — don’t lump Maryland and Virginia together… Bad idea.
Maryland = Union state? Duh.
Their state song? “Maryland, My Maryland”.
Wait — I revised it. Now it’s called: “Maryland, YOUR Maryland”.
Well, all right.
Blah blah blah… loud chewers, cell talkers… my cube has this chained to a cubicle post. And it just stares and stares at me.
New rant: Everyone keeps loudly talking about the freaking Heart show last night and I keep getting one of those stupid songs in my head. Then, finally “All I wanna do is make love to you” is finally gone and some dork walks by and bleats, “Hey did you guys go to the concert last night?? what songs did they do??” and my coworkers yell out the awful titles and BOOM, bad songs stuck in my head again.
tell me you didn’t go to see those tools, like the tools in your office did — thanks in advance!
Noooo. Sweet Jeebus, no. I’m not retarded.
Hey — came by for a beer the other day to introduce myself (6PM)… guy on duty says you’re only there on Fri. and Sat. nights?
Hmm — we may never meet!
(P.S. Why do you list your beers in strung sentences? It took me a while to figure out that you had Red Stripe?
constructive criticism)
I’m only there Fri. and Sat. after 9pm. Sorry I missed ya. Why do you drink your beers in bottles?
cool runnings mon
I meant “you/thou” but otherwise I am knowledge-full. I think we all won that war, by the way. Just a few fascist planters lost.
after the ‘peace’ was signed, Lincoln announced it from the White House lawn and ordered the Marine band to play DIXIE. Grant ordered his troops at Appomattox to share their rations with the Southern soldiers there–gentlemanly and amicable and respectful on both sides.
either way, if we lost the war, we appear to have won The Reconstruction. We kept our regional dialects, thanks colfer, and our rurality, largely our afrarian traditions (cf the book I’ll Take My Stand) and our tradition of leisured and gregarious living and interpersonal exchange. I do, however, think Mountain People in appalachia are the same in personality and insularity in VA/NC/TN as they are in VT/NH/ME, and as such defy north-south identities.
I have a pet peeve for people at work who are tense about grammar rules. It belies a lack of confidence. I, for one, have perfect grammar and know all the rules. But I never sweat anyone else about the rules because I’m relaxed in my confidence about grammar. When I’m around people who are rule hounds, I follow the rules. When I’m around people who talk like people, and not like Strunk&Whitebots, then I talk like people. Language is about communication first and grammar rules second. As long as messages are received, we are good to go. All else is classism.
/waits for B-yo to react to “classism”
But I never sweat anyone else about the rules because I’m relaxed in my confidence about grammar
But this counts for grammar only – I will sweat everyone about everything else.
/bring it.
is it your confidence that is relaxed? ie, you are less confident because you relax it?
are you confident about grammar? ie, you believe strongly it exists?
are you relaxing because you are comfy around grammar, ie when people use it?
Strunk & White is a manual of prose style, not really a codification of grammatical must-do? Chicago Manual of Style, in my view, is NOT a manual of style, but a restrictive/descriptive reference work. I loathe Chicago Manual of Style.
Either way, i know precisely DICK about grammar. Good for you!!!
I opened this month’s The New Republic this morning, and relating to this discussion, in the very first paragraph on the very first page, this howler in speaking of the Soudan:
“People are no longer being killed at the alarming rate of 2003 and 2004.”
periodicals are different. those motherfuckers need to have perfect grammar. fuck the bullshit.
you are SO feisty and fun these last two days!!! God it’s wonderful having you here!!!
{i hope you don’t mind my playing along, good-spiritedly and i hope harmlessly!}
and you are such a sycophantic asskisser
its asskissing.
It’s making me retch.
ditto
i think it’s hilarious when everyone gets all riled up. Mixing metaphor, I’m just doing my part to stir the shit on both sides of the fence.
But you’re not stirring shit, you’re placating shit, which is fine, but there’s a distinct difference.
you’re not stirring shit, you’re getting it all over your nose
Forelock tugging leads to inner rage and foul acts of self-abuse.
Obsequious Otterdung, your haughty urbanity issues forth disdain for the masses huddle round this thread who want to scream “get real” till it rings true in in the fleshy lobes to which your wit seems to be attached.
I could, of course, be wrong.
I like to see Dung nose my ass
And lick the flavor up
And stop to feed himself on rank
And then, perverted, sniff
Around gluteal mountains
And, so submissively, peel
My panties to the side of my taint
And rapturedly reel
120 through 123, in laughter i spit coffee all over my computer screen reading those. Dieter you are a gem.
Uva La Grape: I’m a little bit of a sexual-social prude; and being single, a bachelor of private masculine habits and a lonely middle-age, rarely in the company or confidence of women, I can’t quite hang with sexual innuendi in any intellectual or emotional comfort. I appreciate the versets and the warm intent, and that it addresses the others as much as myself, but I’m a bit traumatized by it.
you have my permission to turn your trauma into fetish
sorry: but i wasn’t at all joking @126.
and i just threw up in my mouth
Oh, and on the advice of Learned Counsel I’ve just been encouraged to reply to you all, collectively:
Piss off/bunch-of-worthless-cunts/fucking wankers/bitch ass whores from Satan’s underpants…
“underpants”? really, are they what you wear under your slacks …no wait, your dung-arees
i think men wear trousers and women wears slacks/pants.
foundation garments are worn typically by both,
but not by your commando man-of-letters correspondent.
Mormons have the best underpants. They’re all magical and shit.
TheMoormons must have some sort of Quick-Release-Mechanism built into their drawers, that may be magic, since they have constantly to be diddling all those wives they collect.
I assume it’s some version of that Easy-Off Technology that all the girls I meet at Blue Light/Zocalo have adopted.