I’ve always thought it would neat to get to write my own obituary. In much the same spirit that many create lists of goals they want to accomplish in their life, over time, I’ve applied the same ambition and perseverance to creating a list of things I do not want as my cause of death.
Falling off a mountain is just terrifying to me. Should you ever hike to the top of the mountain with me, do not make me go to the actual top of the mountain. I hate ski lifts, too. (Ironically, I’ve jumped out of an airplane!) Bugs and snakes and frogs should not be in my obit, not because of any fear or aversion, but because I think that if a living thing is going to be the end of me, it should be as big as or bigger than me. If an iguana is the death of me, lie. Say it was a dinosaur—I’ve always been quite fond of the stegosaurus.
I’m dead. It’s the least you can do.
For the record, I’m not really going anywhere—I’ll still be addicted to cVillain.com, pressing “refresh” on the homepage at 3 in the morning. I may still drop in. But this has to stop—for me, for now.
I approached Thor and parlie late last week, and they agreed to let me decide my fate. Now, without further ado, this is how I wish to be honored, and I’d like to say some proper goodbyes first.
“Each of our companions is not only beautiful, but also a product of an exceptionally fine background, well-educated and an accomplished success in her right… When seeking an evening date, a weekend travel companion, or a friend to accompany you to our next business or social event our models are perfect preference.”
But can they has cheeseburger? Seriously, Emperors’ Club website, stop speaking in, umm, model. Shut up and look pretty.
“Those numbers translate into an estimated 3.2 million adolescent females infected with one of the four most common STDs - many of whom may not even know they have a disease or that they are passing it to their sex partners.”
Hoo loves protection?
Boston Globe: Study: 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD 3-12-08 We now break from your regularly scheduled programming of lewd news commentary to remind women that a teeny tiny shot sucks less and costs less than cervical cancer. Call your OB-GYN and make an appointment for your HPV vaccination today. I’m sorry to get all serious on you, but it’s kind of a big deal.
“An estimated 1,200 Irish-born men and women are living with a same-sex partner in the United States … Two-thirds of Irish-born same-sex partners in the US are women Irish-born same-sex partners are highly educated - more than four in ten have a college degree…”
Quit stealing all our hot lesbians with all your Bono accents and Riverdance moves and boiled potato stews!
“One of the old jokes from the late-’90s bubble was that there are only two numbers on the Internet: infinity and zero. The first, at least as it applied to stock market valuations, proved false. But the second is alive and well. The Web has become the land of the free.”
Whatev. Free means being the governor of NY and using it to pick up prostitutes. : ( lol kthxbye
When I dine out with my parents, I order the wine for me and my dad. He knows I will revel in it more than he ever could, and I know he will retract my open invitation to come home if I choose an expensive bottle. He even finds me to be quite reliable in choosing something we like. (To that, I say only this: Argentina.) He and I are positive individuals, so we approach unpleasant wine the way we approach Chanel No. 5: “Mmm, musk!” We don’t really discuss wine at too much length at the dinner table, because we have acquaintances we’d rather not sound like (and probably aren’t qualified to do so anyway).
(Art cred goes to Ron English, The Guy It’s All About.)
A little birdie submitted…
“Culture jam” movie night begins Tuesday, March 11th at 8:30pm with a public screening of “POPaganda- The Art & Crimes of Ron English” at ourspace, 414 East Main Street, two floors below Twisted Branch Tea Bazaar. Suggested donation: $1 and all monies go to ourspace. This documentary looks at Ron English, a founding father of the “culture jam” movement. Co-starring the Billboard Liberation Front. Brought to you by the ProPaganDada Due.
…and I don’t know if this little birdie knew I’d be the go-to person with this event or only had my email address. I ticked off the UVA chapter of NOW with a very clever jujitsu jam a few years ago in a flyer campaign I did for a friend. I’m so glad it raised a unibrow or two.
See that? It was kind of like that, right there– exaggerated reinforcement of a bad stereotype with word/image to make a point about how outrageous and offensive that stereotype is. They didn’t seem to think we were there yet. (It’s a fine line between being provocative and being offensive.) They might have been right. Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. You should go to ourspace tonight and learn about jamming.
Here’s a thread topic. Has anyone else noticed that for the price of one issue of fake ads in Adbusters, I could get, like, 500 real ads in 10 issues of Newsweek? How is that even fair?
Bad news! I forgot to tell you about the first screening before it happened. (It was yesterday at 4.)
Good news! You can still see tonight’s program at 7pm in Darden’s Abbott Auditorium. Tickets are $12, and proceeds go to Madison House at UVA. The Charlottesville stop on the BANFF road tour is sponsored by Charlottesville’s favorite outdoor supplier, Blue Ridge Mountain Sports. (Bonus: prizes are raffled off.) Tonight’s program includes four films, two of which I am majorly sweating.
What can you expect? Two to three hours of high-adrenaline quality films, with BANFF’s themes of outdoor adventure, nature preservation, and global perspective, followed by two to three hours of sitting on your couch contemplating your relatively unextraordinary life! But fear not, internet surfers and social climbers, you will eventually reach complacency if you just believe in yourself. And if you decide to take up triathlons and Tibetan Buddhism, good for you. Please pray for our hardened souls.
But seriously, it’s an awesome way to spend a Monday night.
I wanted to wait to review it until I’d had at least three dishes, and after the first trip, it didn’t take long to get to that point.
Before I start talking about it, and by talking I mean gushing, I want to say that this is a pre-review, not a review. They did a soft opening with zero promotion last Friday, and the staff has unanimously established that they’re still working out the kinks. That’s perfectly fair.
The Hook’s Dish announced the opening on Thursday, but C-VILLE’s Restaurantarama got first dibs on a review of the food yesterday. Enter the red-headed stepchild of Charlottesville news.
The following Youtube clips have nothing to do with Charlottesville. (–Which would be so typical of me.) And do you know why? Because I, like you, am the poor sap hanging out at the water cooler asking, “What about Ben Affleck f*ing Jimmy Kimmel? For realsy?”
