Hey everybody, I thought I’d take a break from being a jerk to give a quick report on the Charlottesville 10-miler this morning. My friend Gobbler (who I hate) and I ran it together, and while he beat me by about 20 seconds, his legs are at least twice as long as mine, so technically he’s slow as shit. Anyhow, it was very cold this morning, much to my chagrin; about 35 at 7am. I wore a small t-shirt (because I am dumb) and some lightweight shorts (same.) I was happy with my time (hit a personal record for the 10mi distance), but have some questions I was hoping some of you all could answer:

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Popularity: 20% [?]

This is awkward. The other day when I introduced myself, you may not have been able to tell, but I was full of shit. Almost nothing I said was true, and it almost never is. It can sound true, sure, and I may even think it’s true in my own mind, but more than likely anything I’m saying is at the very least exaggerated, if not an outright fabrication.

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Popularity: 22% [?]

The other day as I walked to work, I saw my first blooms of spring coming from the tree at the corner of Water & Second, across from LiveArts. It was a great feeling; it was proof that in the near future, there would be patio drinking, flip flops, sun dresses, and beaches.

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Popularity: 21% [?]

How can you make this get-rich-quick scheme go to work for you, tomorrow? All you have to do is move back in with your parents, which is obviously, among other things, going to get you laid so much you won’t even have time to go to work or even find a job. Maybe that’s the point. An article in MSNBC takes yet another incisive cross-cut on the story of America’s financial collapse by examining the lives of people, middle-aged people, who move back in with their parents (i know, wtf), to “get back on their feet.”

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Popularity: 13% [?]

Somebody is walking around with a $100,000 voucher in his pocket, and it’s going to expire if he doesn’t start paying attention. A lottery ticket was purchased back in September with winning numbers for a cool hundred grand and it has yet to be claimed. The other day we had a discussion about whether lotteries were a tax on those who can’t do math. It turns out that the tax is gud, because now part of that money goes to pay for the search to find the guy that gave the money, so they can give the money back. It’s OK, I am confused too.

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Popularity: 13% [?]

Old man print press, the poor fella! He’s cranky and cirrhotic, and he’s fed up with all these kids always making all this damned racket. And so somebody made this video. It’s an examination of “old” [print] journalism refracted through the prism of “journalist bars.” They use the cascading deaths of these bars as an allegory for the death of the profession itself. The connection is tenuous at best, and even as they blame the internet for the demise of both the bars and the saucy newshounds who populate them, the producer employs a contrived, exploitative approach to the story that in my mind is no better than the new media phenomenon he’s “exposing.” It’s the old pot calling the kettle black. They probably would have returned better search results if they’d whipped up a metaphor about hookers and Elliot Spitzer. But booze, alright. We’ll take that. »Read More

Popularity: 18% [?]

I think I’ve made my views on religion pretty clear here. It’s a crutch, it’s antiquated, and it’s the biggest business on the face of the planet. I’m all for legitimate business enterprises, I just happen to particularly disagree with the product they’re selling. It doesn’t really matter to me if people are offended by this, because quite frankly I feel that the judgments placed on my character from some ad hoc notion of morality are just as offensive. I also find offensive the arrogance groups like the National Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, who have self-righteously demanded (and won) the removal of a couple of cartoons from the Cavalier Daily website.
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Popularity: 16% [?]

It occurred to me after some inquisitive emails and comments about “the new Lilith” that it might be time for me to introduce myself. Obviously I’ve been around for a while so there’s no need to welcome me to the internet or anything like that. I live here.

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Popularity: 16% [?]

I don’t know if you guys have heard yet, but we’re all going to dress up like the guy in that photo and drink ridiculous shit tonight. You should come, if not to participate, then to take damning photographs and use them for public shaming or perhaps blackmail. I’m kidding, don’t do that. Just come to the feckin’ pub crawl, and bring your green hat.

Tickets - $20 at the door. All money goes to a good cause, unless you are one of those people who hate charity. In that case the money goes to pure evil.

I’ll leave you with this: »Read More

Popularity: 22% [?]

Given that “Thursday is the new Friday,” according to an ill-reasoned social parable coined in a moment of whiskey-sodden pseudo profundity, possibly by myself… I thought I’d give you guys something to get queasy about this Friday morning! Now, it’s no prosthetic buttskin attachment, but it’s a healthy, happy mix of the funny and the cringe-inducing. Who knows, it may even make you forget about your hangover for a few minutes. »Read More

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