Leaving the diversity of my Ivory Rotunda recently for a house party, I was greeted by the full-on invasion of hipster subculture into Charlottesville’s post-college/pre-baby scene. The Angst-schluss is coming, Captain VonTrapp.
After chopping my way through a savannah of beards and novelty ’staches, I found a clearing at the corner of Monticello Avenue and Monticello Road where the hipsters had gathered. Stoically they danced..er..shuffled with their hands in their pockets…around the Arcade Fire. Mesmerized by the flames rising from the hem of their trilby-topped tribal leader’s ironic bowling shirt, they offered up a sacrifice to the sparkling Blue Moon goddess. My eyes grew wide and I was sore afraid as they lifted the sacrifice, squealing, over the Flaming Lips. Fight or flight overtook fright as I recognized the sacrifice: »Read More
Since we’re in a “Top 10 of Charlottesville” mode, I’ve got to add my own flava to the archives. I am qualified to make this list because I may or may not have had sexual relations in these places. What can I say? My parents were attentive so I had to get creative. There are more awesome spots than are listed, but I’m currently using them so too bad for you.
Some public sex tips:
For the places open 24 hours, go earlier in the morning rather than late at night (after 3am instead of before). Be careful as you pass 5am, for that’s when custodians start to arrive. Sunday mornings are the best because there are usually no custodians working.
Wear clothes that are easy to pull up and down: dresses/skirts; sweaters; trackies (warning: cloth track pants are no good at hiding erections. In fact, they highlight them.). No buttons or zippers.
Having sex sounds the same in every language from any distance. Stay quiet unless you know you have noise insulation.
If you get caught, just walk away. Don’t say anything. Don’t look at the person who caught you. Dress and walk away before they pull their fucking camera or phone or both out of their purse. If a cop catches you, they’ll just ask you to leave.
Dating sites don’t ask the questions that really matter. Even for “just a date”, there is more vital information that is necessary than “what kind of animals do you like”? Even Dr. Phil has dropped the ball. Dr. Phil is a sponsor of Match.com, and on his show he occasionally refers a set list of questions that couples should ask each other if they’re thinking long-term. But none of those questions are asked on dating site profiles. I think they’re afraid that if they got too real on these sites, no one would date anybody. But at the same time, there’s nothing worse than being in the middle of an awesome second date with someone who, like you, likes gerbils, Kanye West and the color blue, and finding out that he’s been to jail twice for domestic violence. Or worse, in the middle of the first sexual encounter and you find out 1. that she likes to pee on you and 2. that she doesn’t have the home-training to ask first if you like that.
I mean it’s only polite to ask beforehand. Your mama didn’t raise you in a barn, did she? »Read More
At the convergence of Black History Month and Valentine’s Day, Uva Lagrape has returned to talk about my 2 favorite topics: Race and Love. But this time the script will be “flipt”, and the Black Man will be put forth to represent the Generic Single Man.
I have been part of a research group studying inter- and intraracial dating among African-Americans. Much of the interviewing has been done here in Charlottesville, and I thought it would be interesting to share with Cvillain some of the insights we have collected from male subjects in both group and individual interviews. The group interviews in particular have evinced lively discussion and scintillating quotes. This study was partially inspired by an article in the Washington Post from a few years ago. The Post article was written in the wake of the hoax that “70% of Black Women are single.” Thank you Tyra and Oprah for helping spread this urban legend.
Anyway, the quotes are juicy and give us an inside look into the unfiltered thoughts single men have toward women:
“I usually attract women who are mentally healthy…but, unfortunately, mentally healthy women are too sane to pretty themselves up except on the rarest occassion.”
You are the most numerous in the off-Grounds singles scene. But the white men your age are so happy to be finally divorced from you that they are dating anyone but you. If you want dating success be open to cougar-ing it up and boldly going for younger guys. You will be surprised at how open they are to a post-menopausal, baby-worry-free shag. Also, be open to dating black men. If you’re in any way plump, local middle-aged black men will love you. Get thee to church. Get thee to a drum circle.
I was recently possessed by Satan to list the relationship status of everyone I know in Charlottesville: family, friends, co-workers and playmates. I know
52 Men in Long-Term Relationships
63 Women in LTR’s
29 Single Men
and
12 Single Women.
Is this just me? Or is the percentage of single ladies in Charlottesville small across the board?
Though Cville is often at the top of Best Places to Live lists, it doesn’t make the top 25 of Money’s Best Cities for Singles. Though Blacksburg does. Looking at the profiles for Hokiesburg and State College, PA, you’d think they were describing Charlottesville. But I guess we don’t have as high a percentage of singles as they do (65% and 76% of their populations are single).
I love the “I Saw You” section of The Hook because I always dream that I will be seen! But I never am. I guess I can’t be seen very well behind a wall of books. So I thought I’d start such a post on cVillain. Since it’s free and interactive, maybe more people will write who they saw and slathered over. And maybe the median age of the people posting won’t be twice mine, like in the C-ville and Hook personals pages. And maybe someone will unknowingly slather over me.
If you are the guys who rolled past me in the black sedan one dark night last August…please forget you saw me.
Spring’s liberation of citizens onto Charlottesville’s sidewalks is what inspires this idea, so I’ll kick it off with my own heretofore unpublished I See You Baby’s. »Read More
Someone asked for a review of The Clean House. I saw it, so I guess I’ll write one. This is my first post!
I thought it was totally awesome! I didn’t know anything about the play going in (a friend invited me). I kinda thought it would be a drama, but it turned out to be a comedy. The actors were all really great.
