It looks like the local government types have finally realized that there is a severe gang threat in cville, despite all our past warnings.  While Thor never quite made it to graduation at the Police Academy, his razor sharp instincts and care for the cvillains shines through in his previous local coverage on the subject.  There is the infamous Gang Information Presentation, which led to me thinking Latin gangs from South America were about to infiltrate our town, to Parlie reporting on gunshots in the middle of the night.

Well it seems we couldn’t have been so far off the mark…a new team of elite (hopefully) police officers and ATF agents are forming the Albemarle Gang Enforcement task force.  No word yet if they will cooperate with cvillain to educate the public on how to defend oneself from the local hooligans, but we are keeping our inbox open.  Judging by this photo I nabbed, they might be able to start their search at the UVa frat houses, yes thats right, white boys are the now the target.

Photo from Flikr.

Popularity: 27% [?]

To the tune of Digital Underground’s ‘The Humpty Dance”

All right!
Stop whatcha doin’
’cause I’m about to ruin
the Charlottesville style that ya used to.
We look Scowly
but yo we’re callin’ foul-y see
so yo world I hope you’re ready for we.
Now gather round
We’re the new gang in town
and our drawers are laid right down on the ground
We drink up anything ya got on ya shelf
so just let us introduce ourself
Red Panty Posse, pronounced with a ‘Osse.

The RPP is your chance to drop them pants!

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Popularity: 27% [?]

So, I was gonna do a little writeup on the Wine Guild of Charlottesville’s new blog, but apparently they run an “INVITE ONLY BLOG.” As far as I’m concerned that’s like saying you run a Speak Easy for People Who Snort Donkey Brains (i.e. a not cool club). It used to be open and, lucky for us, we can still spy on them because Google is smarter than all of us.

Check the site history. With descriptions like the following you know cVillains respect you:

The cork showed some seepage, and when it was extracted showed almost complete saturation, but no off odors. The wine itself initially showed aromas of darkly roasted coffee and not much in the way of fruit. A tentative pour and a vigorous swirl or two, however, and this started to open up. This wine was remarkably clean, powerful and well-balanced, showing incredibly ripe fruit backed by solid tannin. A really long finish with no drop off in intensity. The alcohol, which had to have been over 15%, was almost undetectable. I know this wine is 100% grenache–itself more and more a rarity in the southern Rhone–but it presented more like a luscious burgundy from the Cote de Nuits. I enjoyed mine with duck breast, which was an apt pairing. While this wine will no doubt continue to age and develop over the next 2-3 years, I’m not convinced it will gain much more complexity or that the window for really enjoying the fruit will stay open for more than 5 years after that. I’d drink mine over the next 5-7 years and consider myself lucky to do so.

Hopefully they aren’t going to keep it like this forever. C’mon, we want to learn about Charlottesville wine too! Are we not cool enough?

Popularity: 4% [?]

I figured out that referencing NY Times Magazine articles and fussing over risotto recipes wen’t winning me any more popularity around here [than when I tied with BusRider for “favorite writer” in our readers poll], so here’s the cynical Lilith you know and tolerate. And yes, I did vote for myself, as a matter of fact. Do you think less of me? Oh you’re about to. I have a conscience, FYI, and it’s barely okay with… »Read More

Popularity: 8% [?]

Any thoughts on having an ambiguous cvillain.com gathering? We could all show up at some typically crowded venue and try to guess who is in on the secret and who is just there because they would be anyway. I’m realizing that I dont (think I) know anyone involved in this site and it could be a fun little social experiment.
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Popularity: 4% [?]

Aren’t Mondays the worst? You are completely refreshed (or still hungover) from a great weekend, but you have to sit there and reminisce about how you should have hooked up with that person, how you should have called back that friend or how you should have gone for a run. Well, you can reminisce over here… What happened this weekend?

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Holy SH*T; looks like we aren’t the only villains in town. Check it, straight from Chaos:

Okay ya’ll need to hear it from our point of view. The two that were arrested were my friends. They ain’t have nothing to do with what happened. Charlotteville Cops are racist. If ya’ll Cops Come at us we will Come 6aCC at ya’ll with even more power. No threat just humanity. If you push people enough they push 6aCC. Oh and I know the direction the poliCe is going in this little investigation 6eCause they are looking at my Crew, 6ut I know who did it and ya’ll looking the wrong way. I ain’t snitChing on n06ody though. We from Cali so lips is sealed. Real talk.”

I’m freaking scared. Well Chaos, how about you show yourself? This is an open letter to all those little so-called gang members, whether friends of Chaos or not…

Dear Losers,

Does living with your grandma and playing Playstation all day really fry your brain enough where you think using 6’s instead of B’s affirms your membership of a LA based latino gang? WHY THE F would you come to Charlottesville if that were the case? This town isn’t running drugs and white UVA fratboys aren’t buying brick marijuana.

Well, this is straight from cVillain: YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS AND AN OBVIOUSLY SMALLER BRAIN.

But let’s get to the real meat of this matter. You and your little high school troop walk around randomly hitting couples on their romantic dinner dates.

So you are you getting “street cred” for beating up on couples right now? But let’s think about this.. as soon as an undercover cop busts your asses you get to be humiliated for life, spend 10 years in jail and then come out and find that life really sucks cause all your non-jailed buddies couldn’t get jobs and hate you for putting them on probation for 2 years, what are you gonna do? We’ll give you a pat on the back for being morons. You can count on it the day you turn 18.

You also probably have no idea how pissed the general male population is in Charlottesville. I guarantee that if you found an equal group of frat boys they would gladly destroy you, Brownings and all. So, give up or get out. Attacking innocent couples is wrong and I hope that you are caught sooner than later.

Cheers,

cVillain

So here are the solutions:

• Form a vigilante gang to oppose your little random beatings
• Curfew for under-18 year olds
• Video cameras ARE NOT A SOLUTION (but do make some sweet dough for contractors.. can I have some of that dough)
• Any suggestions?

I’m all for a vigilante gang.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Dog-owners and superhero aspirants alike may be aware of a life-changing product called Poop-Freeze. How does it work? Allow me to explain in as much detail as possible!

Just kidding. Use your imagination.

I love it. Buying “magnifying glasses” and “laser beams” and “disappearing markers” has resulted in sore eyes, the confiscation of my keychain pointer, and nonexistent masterpieces such that I’ll never be appreciated in my own time. But now, in Poop-Freeze, I can do the impossible: spray-freeze stuff. I haven’t actually bought it yet, but I plan to.

I have three small problems, though. The first is that I don’t think I can use this on food or, umm, people. Apparently, it’s safe for carpet and vegetation, and the website doesn’t say not to specifically, but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable spraying a can of soda or beer with it for quicker consumption. And I can imagine it now. “Lilith, what are you doing?” “Why, I’m cooling off with Poop-Freeze!”

Second, most superheros that freeze stuff are bad. Iceman of the X-Men is cool (literally), but there’s Mr. Freeze and Killer Frost (who appeared twice as two different supervillains).

And I haven’t forgotten the baddest of them all: Iceman.

Finally, I worry that my superhero status still won’t help me as a social climber in Charlottesville.

Just kidding. So gullible on a Friday! Of course it would help me.

Seriously, I think it’s worth pointing out that Poop-Freeze, as a superhero tool, has the worst name ever. I can’t carry that $#!% around! Why couldn’t they call it Whoa!-Snow or Fro-Mojo or even Spray-On Ice?

All this having been said, I encourage dog owners everywhere to invest in a spray-on can and save the world, one poopy-pick-up at a time.

Popularity: 2% [?]