Here are just a few common words and phrases that men use when talking to their women that, when taken for face value, don’t seem all that deep.  But, with these secrets revealed, men’s cryptic caveman mumblings reveal a world of myopic perversion that should horrify all women, everywhere

Nothing – as in the response to “what are you thinking?” or “how do you feel?” Generally, the “nothing” response is not an indication of lack of thought or feeling, but the reluctance, or in most cases, the inability to express said thoughts or feelings.

Something – as in “do you want to do something?” - when used in private, usually relates to some form of sexual activity. Similar to “do you want to go somewhere?” when used in a public place. Not to be confused with “Is it something I said?” or “Did I do something wrong?” The phrase “Can I get you something?” may refer to anything from an alcoholic drink to that lingerie stashed in the back of your sock drawer.

5 Minutes – The maximum amount of time required for most men to successfully engage in and complete sexual activity. In rare instances, it may not be the time limit for sex and they may participate in sex for a longer period of time, but 5 minutes is all most Men really need. Any man willing to have sex with you for longer than 5 minutes is worth keeping. (2) In context of “I’m going to play this video game” or “I’m going to watch this televised sport” for “5 minutes”, usually means a much much much longer period of time. Don’t hold your breath.

Later – as in “I’ll do it later” or “can we talk about this later?” - literal translation is “never”.

Soon – In response to such questions as “When can I meet your parents?” and “Do you think we’ll ever be ready to live together?” an answer of “Soon” can be interpreted to be the same as an answer of “Later”. (2) In reference to the point of sexual climax, “soon” actually means “I already did.”

Can I help? - You are trying to do something that only a man can do, and therefore I assume you will eventually need my help with it. Please let me do it for you now to save us both the time and trouble of pretending you can do it yourself.

Would you? - As in, “Would you do the dishes/laundry/cleaning?” These are things I am used to having done for me by my mother and/or girlfriends/wives before you. It is expected of you to take care of me since I am just a helpless man-child, and if you really loved me, you would. (2) In context of sexual activity, “Would you [blank]” (fill in the blank with some perverse sexual deed) usually means my ex/that hooker would and if you don’t I’m going to cheat on you with someone who will.

I don’t understand. - as in “I don’t understand why you are crying” or “I don’t understand why you are yelling at me” - literally means “I don’t understand”.

Picture from flickr user ralphbijker.

Popularity: 19% [?]

[written by anonymous birdie]

You got one problem and it is you…I am a girl, who has pretty much all guy friends. I have always had mainly guy friends. I am also one of the most honest people you will meet. I am incapable of BS and games. I make it as clear as water just what I want, from who I want it from. If this girl manipulated you it is because you let her. If she was a tease it was because you let her cross that line.
You have some control over yourself and your situation. You were perfectly capable of asking her where you stood. You were also capable of stopping her from making any sort of advances toward you.

Guys and girls cannot only be friends, they can be best friends. »Read More

Popularity: 13% [?]

[Written by Uva LaGrape]

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Wanna know what a grad student in Nerd Studies does on her time off? Research!

This is not at all scientific, but I’ve got tables of the gender/age breakdowns of the online daters in Cville as of January 6, 2008. Do with it what you will. All geographic radii were set to within 25 miles of 22902, except in the case of Yahoo Personals, which just had a near Charlottesville designation that reached all the way to Harrisonburg.

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Popularity: 11% [?]

Yes, but men work smarter.

I’m so getting slammed for this one. »Read More

Popularity: 7% [?]

Part 1. Part 2.

You’ve been cut off. You cut it off. Whatever. It’s over.

In 2000, the city population was at just over 45,000. It’s grown, sure, but let’s say that it’s 50,000 for simplicity.

In the course of, say, five years, one might go out with or show interest in about 50 people. It’s realistic. Think of all of the women who you flirt with but it doesn’t go somewhere, or the guys you go out to lunch with and find out that it was a date in their minds when they insist on paying the bill and opening your car door. So that’s a 0.1% chance of running into one of these people at any given time. It sounds impossible, right?

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Popularity: 2% [?]

This is the second part of a three-part series on dating in Charlottesville. You can read the first part, “The first date,” and the fascinating discussion that came of it, by clicking on this link. In the third comment, Tim made the point that the first date isn’t nearly as bad as the subsequent ones. I couldn’t agree more. Hence three parts.

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Popularity: 5% [?]

I figured out that referencing NY Times Magazine articles and fussing over risotto recipes wen’t winning me any more popularity around here [than when I tied with BusRider for “favorite writer” in our readers poll], so here’s the cynical Lilith you know and tolerate. And yes, I did vote for myself, as a matter of fact. Do you think less of me? Oh you’re about to. I have a conscience, FYI, and it’s barely okay with… »Read More

Popularity: 10% [?]

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This is the first of a three-part series on dating in Charlottesville. I’ve never claimed to know how to make a relationship last, likely because I enjoy the dating process enough not to settle into something I (and the guy) don’t think will last. I always figured I’d know just by being with the one I want it to last with.

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Popularity: 7% [?]

…you are some fancy longish ‘do lover [removed “a girl”… see comments below], a metro, a fancypants, not chill, not cool, a Dep owner, a spiker, a punkrocker, a tightwad, an indy rocker, a progressive… ok you get the idea.

Staples Barber Shop has been run by Ken Staples for an eternity. Quite literally, Ken Staples has been around since the 50s cutting hair (I’m guessing but it doesn’t matter, anyway). Ken stands out amongst the gentlemen that cut only men’s hair in this traditional Charlottesville establishment. His hair is whiter, his hands are shakier, less people sit in his chair, but trust me it’s worth it.

I never thought I would recommend a barber when he makes me fear the loss of an ear.

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Popularity: 6% [?]