Here are just a few common words and phrases that men use when talking to their women that, when taken for face value, don’t seem all that deep. But, with these secrets revealed, men’s cryptic caveman mumblings reveal a world of myopic perversion that should horrify all women, everywhere
Nothing – as in the response to “what are you thinking?” or “how do you feel?” Generally, the “nothing” response is not an indication of lack of thought or feeling, but the reluctance, or in most cases, the inability to express said thoughts or feelings.
Something – as in “do you want to do something?” – when used in private, usually relates to some form of sexual activity. Similar to “do you want to go somewhere?” when used in a public place. Not to be confused with “Is it something I said?” or “Did I do something wrong?” The phrase “Can I get you something?” may refer to anything from an alcoholic drink to that lingerie stashed in the back of your sock drawer.
5 Minutes – The maximum amount of time required for most men to successfully engage in and complete sexual activity. In rare instances, it may not be the time limit for sex and they may participate in sex for a longer period of time, but 5 minutes is all most Men really need. Any man willing to have sex with you for longer than 5 minutes is worth keeping. (2) In context of “I’m going to play this video game” or “I’m going to watch this televised sport” for “5 minutes”, usually means a much much much longer period of time. Don’t hold your breath.
Later – as in “I’ll do it later” or “can we talk about this later?” – literal translation is “never”.
Soon – In response to such questions as “When can I meet your parents?” and “Do you think we’ll ever be ready to live together?” an answer of “Soon” can be interpreted to be the same as an answer of “Later”. (2) In reference to the point of sexual climax, “soon” actually means “I already did.”
Can I help? – You are trying to do something that only a man can do, and therefore I assume you will eventually need my help with it. Please let me do it for you now to save us both the time and trouble of pretending you can do it yourself.
Would you? – As in, “Would you do the dishes/laundry/cleaning?” These are things I am used to having done for me by my mother and/or girlfriends/wives before you. It is expected of you to take care of me since I am just a helpless man-child, and if you really loved me, you would. (2) In context of sexual activity, “Would you [blank]” (fill in the blank with some perverse sexual deed) usually means my ex/that hooker would and if you don’t I’m going to cheat on you with someone who will.
I don’t understand. – as in “I don’t understand why you are crying” or “I don’t understand why you are yelling at me” – literally means “I don’t understand”.
Picture from flickr user ralphbijker.
