As you may or may not know, there are a wide variety of low-end fortified wines available in the Charlottesville area. While none are locally produced, they all pack a particularly interesting wallop and are quite distinct in their own way. I managed to convince 6 Cvillains to be brave enough to help me evaluate them and determine which is the best. Here are the results.
I went shopping on Friday afternoon and hit two convenience stores to get the goods. At the Shell station on Preston I picked up the first 4 bottles - Night Train, Wild Irish Rose ‘Red’, ‘Wild Grape’, and ‘Wild Fruit’. When I put them on the counter at the register the cashier looked at me and said “Wow.” I replied that it was for science and she told me that if it was for anything else I was about to spend the next 2 days in the bathroom “both ways”. I hurried the plastic and paper bags back to my car before anyone saw the massive amount of fortified wine I was buying.
After a few more unsuccessful (re: they only sold REAL wine, like from a vineyard) stops I found a few more bottles at the Estes Market on Cherry Avenue. It was here that I bought Thunderbird, Cisco ‘Black Cherry’, and Wild Irish Rose ‘Green Apple’. There were a lot of varieties of Cisco, no doubt made with different grapes, but in order to limit the scope of this wine review (and be easy on my volunteer tasters) I elected to only sample the Black Cherry. I was surprised that none of these wines were as cheap as I’d expected. A 750ml bottle of each was $4.99.
And now the results…
Wild Irish Rose ‘Wild Grape’ was the clear winner. Everyone agreed it tasted like Dimetapp - and this wasn’t all bad compared to the others. It had an almost sickly sweet taste, with the same aftertaste as Dimetapp that sort of lingers in your throat. The horrible methanol/isopropynol taste wasn’t as noticeable. One Cvillain actually poured another few sips of this one after the initial taste.
Thunderbird tasted like what I imagine rubbing alcohol tastes like being sucked through dirty sweatsocks. Never tried it myself, but I have tried Thunderbird, and that is close enough. Someone said it tasted like cheap vodka and smelled worse. The smell was absolutely pungent and while I joked that this was the white wine of the evening there was no joking after tasting it. This wine made everyone nauseous even tasting and spitting it. Thunderbird is some serious hardcore shit. Anyone who chooses to drink Thunderbird of their own free will is an individual to be avoided at all costs.
Cisco was a terror - and while we tasted Thunderbird first, Cisco was the one that stayed in our minds, on our palettes, and cramped our stomachs for a good hour. It looked on the outside like it might be sweet and fun - like a black cherry soda with a kick. Don’t be deceived - this is a mean beast. I’ve heard that many big cities have banned Cisco in particular finding that this wine over all others leads to more crime and vagrancy. Charlottesville has not, apparently, and perhaps they should.
The other flavors of Wild Irish Rose all got about the same response. The Green Apple flavor tasted like sweat to some people and the color was wholly unnatural - it looked like antifreeze.
The after effect of the wine tasting were Cvillains sitting on my living room floor feeling nauseous. I put on an Otis Redding record which is particularly soothing to me when I’m not feeling hot but even that didn’t do it. We ended up going to Court Square and drinking good beer to make the sick feeling go away. Thanks to the people who helped me taste this stuff - you know who you are. That was very brave. I’m not sure what good this study does for our community but I know that I’m a bit more educated now on what this stuff is like and hopefully you are too.
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Tagged as: Charlottesville, Cisco, Drink, Fortified wine, Night Train, tasting, Thunderbird, Wild Irish Rose, Wine
A fuzzy memory of a Cisco tasting from damn near 20 years….” This shit ain’t that bad”……”That shit will kill you”………….
What happened to mad dog 20/20 ??
hahahaha. excellent research. if only i had known science could be used like this, maybe i wouldnt have been a humanities major.
I’m almost too ashamed to admit this, but I have drank more than my far share of Night Train. After a power hour and a game of Edward 40 Hands, a bottle of Night Train doesn’t seem like a bad idea.
Donnington Brainstorm recipe
500 ml Smirnoff® Blue Label vodka
500 ml Thunderbird® Red Label wine
Mix well the Thunderbird with the Vodka and pour into an empty litre coke/lemonade bottle. The exact ratio of vodka:thunderbird can be altered to the creator’s taste. Fridge for at least 12 hours.
Donnington Brainstorm is best at temperatures between 2-4 degrees centigrade. If the drink is too cold it will tend to be too bitter; if it is too warm, it will tend to be too sweet. At just the right temperature, it should be light, refreshing, slightly peary and the alcohol taste minimal.
Drink very carefully.
/no, I haven’t tried this.
I got to thinking afterwards how this shit is marketed and it sort of made me sick all over again. These companies know exactly what they’re selling and who they’re selling it to - low income (or no income) alcoholics. There’s definitely a bit of humor in the taste test and we laughed about how nasty the stuff is, but there’s nothing funny about these ‘wines’. I could write a whole other article about the social effects and history of these but it wouldn’t be quite so light hearted
uh, where’s the Mad Dog?
@5: DO IT! Lets get some really crazy posting action!
This post is pure win from all angles, cbob. You win one internet!
poor people like to drink too, damn!
im in the Night Train camp, btw
I just love that the Green Apple flavor is the color of NyQuil - ah the joys of what is basically alcoholic kool aid. Great post!
@11 That’s by the tracks, right?
@13 not always
@7 - I had to limit to a handful of wines and I figured most people have had MadDog at some point. I also didn’t get all the flavors of Cisco (thankfully).
@9 - I’ll hang it on the wall next to my inspirational poster of puppies in a basket. Does this mean I’m not a n00b anymore? Did I get to level2?
@10 - Yeah but this stuff wasn’t as cheap as I thought. For $5 you can get a 750ml bottle of decent red wine - it just isn’t 18% alcohol or sold at a convenience store.
@ 15 You are now a level seven l337 topic haXor, please pick up your new keyboard in the lobby.
no MD 20/20 and no Boone’s? i guess Boone’s isn’t fortified wine though.
the next taste test should involve the malt-liquor energy drinks (Sparks, Sparks+, Joose, etc)
In some U.S. states, Boone’s Farm products are labeled as malt beverages and not as flavored apple/citrus wine products, as the respective state liquor laws prohibit the sale of wine in grocery and convenience stores.
@17 are you volunteering? Boone’s is kool aid. That’s for people who drink wine coolers.
we should do a 40’s tasting and debate the taste of steel reserve vs. OE or Hurricanes..do they sell King Cobra here? They have 40’s of Mickeys in northern virginia I hear…
@17 there’s an energy drink called cocaine. http://www.drinkcocaine.com/
god bless america. i think.
is sparks+ the one that comes in the black can? If so it tastes horrible.
Oh and… sorry, been slacking.
/haven’t we all been there?
OMFG, you did this without me?? The convenience store in Durty Nelly’s has the best selection of Low End Malt Beverages in town. (And Jim Beam/Ginger in a CAN.) I bought the Cisco Strawberry one time for a party and the cashier looked at me in utter horror and said, “You’re not drinking that by yourself are you?” I told her no, it was for many people’s enjoyment and she said, “They call that ‘Liquid Crack’ you know” and nodded ominously at the neon pink liquid. I took it to the party and it tasted like bubble gum and windex.
Ah, an opportunity to pay homage to one of my favorite sites:
http://www.bumwine.com/
“Cisco will make a new man out of you. And he wants some too.”
I’m a bit disappointed that MD 20/20 did not make an appearance during this test.
@17 Boone’s and MD 20/20 just bring back (vivid) memories of warm Blacksburg nights, that’s all. I think the last time I consumed any of either of those was more than 10 years ago there.
@22 the black can is JOOSE. it’s like someone urinated in a can of nectarines, strained the resulting mix through a REALLY dirty jockstrap and then threw in a can of fake Red Bull. It’s the most vile thing that has ever passed my lips.
oh, and @21, Parlie i don’t think the Cocaine energy drink has booze in it, unlike JOOSE and Sparks.
One of the greatest wine marketing jingles ever:
“What’s the word? Thunderbird
Hows it sold? Hot and Cold
What’s the price? Thirty twice”
Later, according to legend, consumers of T-bird added one verse - “What’s the reaction? Sa - tis - faction”
Right up there in marketing folklore with “We will sell no wine before its time”
The full radio ad (and a great Gallo story) http://www.bumwine.com/tbird.html
Brilliant post, cbob!
You should invite me to your next tasting for sure
@23 Yo, I am glad you sponged the vomit off of Scowly’s chin before photographing him. You are a good friend.
I held his feathers as he puked. Then I took him to waffle house and we talked about our dysfunctional relationships with out parents.
Speaking of questionable alcoholic beverages, remember those little shots that were flavored and you added them to your beer to make it higher in alcohol? Well, they discontinued them because they said they were marketed to kids (bright colors! candy flavors!) but I saw a box of them collecting dust in the window at the Shell on 5th st. I was too embarrassed to buy them but somebody needs to go get them asap.We can spike our Bud Light.
@32 that sounds so disgusting and I am intrigued. I think OXO ought to have a drink called Thunderbird. It probably should have some grapefruit juice in it.
No youtube linky?? Grr Thor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTDEpSYD25M
@25…Jack that is a great site…. did you notice the iconlette that comes up ahead of the web address… it’s a guy spewing.
@33: Only if you dance like the people in that link
If B’yo has that song (he probably does) I’ll do it on the bar.
I didn’t, but I do now…
Vixy for the win!
http://vixy.net/
We can get the DJ to play it since it’s a cVillain DJ this Friday.
And its not me… I highly encourage everyone go and support this old-skool villain in her charlottesville debut on the wheels of steel. I would but i’m working down the street.
@25 Great site! I love sites for drunks.
@27 Wingnut, I was exposed to Sparks a couple of weeks ago. It’s some serious shit. I loved it. I think I had 5.
@35 I’m buying a t-shirt.
@40 Totally together!
I’m not usually the dancing on the bar type but then Thunderbird could make a guy do peculiar things.
Oh lordy here is the quote for the weekend…
“I thought I was dancing ‘til somebody stepped on my hand.”
LMAO
Mmmm Wine. Oh Irish. I never my Irish side had its own wine.
been drinkin so early Tuesday? Rock on witcho bad sef.
I attended this said party and if anyone ever offers me any of these again, I will vomit. But it was great fun.
We could use a few of these scattered around the mall.
congrats cvillain, this is the whitest you have ever been.
thanks Thom!
Hey thom… have you met LaGrape? I think you guys would hit it off… you could sit together and sardonically fume.
Does that mean I win something? I am impressed that this post beat out (pun intended) the dumbasses hitting eachother with chairs on the whiteness scale (whatever that is). Or the multitudes of Foxfield posts. When I wrote this I was fully aware of the social implications, but the post itself was meant to be light hearted and a jab at the more serious wine posts on here. See comment #6.
@cbob: “the post itself was meant to be light hearted…”
you think it’s funny that beverage companies target underprivileged minorities or that they’re loaded with high-fructose corn syrup which contributes to obesity and diabetes? did you stop to think about the role nighttrain plays in the disproportionate number of young black men being incarcerated in this country? is this a joke to you? playing “hipster white folk slum it with urban beverages”?
I’m outraged. that you would take my comment seriously.
for the next one, let’s do a comparison between Newport, Kool, and Salem menthols.
Beverage companies target everyone equally I think.
@52 You are correct cbob. This post is gud!
@53 - Let’s compare crack and crank. Or sarcasm and satire
@53 I don’t take your comment seriously anymore, thanks for clearing that up.
@53 Marlboro menthol lights are the most delicious and supposedly contain no fiberglass
Newports are hordcore, they instantly destroy your lungs
Kools are not that kool. kool milds are ok i smoked those for a while.
and salems taste like charcoal.
in reality the best part about smoking menthols is that most people looking to bum a smoke don’t want one of mine.
i also had the pleasure of participating in this wonderful taste test, and on my birthday too!
I think i was the only one stupid enough to swallow each sip.
shit i meant hardcore not hordcore